


Seared with Scars (Melancholy of Xanxus)

by booksindalibrary



Series: The Tragedies of the Varia Elite [1]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: But Xanxus I'm sorry I can't a happy story with you in it, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Needs proof-reading, Post-Canon, Self-Indulgent fic :3ccccc, Sorry Not Sorry, Tragic Romance, and i can't tag, how many regrets can one person have? answer: a lot, stalker behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 25,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9890420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksindalibrary/pseuds/booksindalibrary
Summary: He didn't what love was until he met her."Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." -Khalil Gibran





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would include warnings, but as I was writing I realised that it involve spoilers, and because I have few morals I chose not to include them.
> 
> But a warning is probably: XANXUS IS XANXUS! In other words, he's an arsehole, but in this he's an angsty arsehole.  
> Other than that, please enjoy~

The pain of being frozen was almost too much for Xanxus – but he had no choice in the matter.

The only thing that kept him going was the thought that when he got out, when he left, he could finally get his revenge, as was his due; Timoteo was a liar, after all. How could a man look at the boy he called son and say he would inherit, in full knowledge that he would not?

How could man lie to his so-called son and destroy him so entirely?

Rage. Eventually Xanxus stopped thinking coherently, and raw emotion drove him on.

And that was when he began to recall things from his past.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Xanxus had never noticed how attractive the waitress was until she had smiled at him, despite the fury marked on his face. Her smile had been pure and undiluted, and in that moment Xanxus fell in love.

He did nothing about it, choosing to instead watch her from a distance. The sun seemed to shine brighter around her, the world in vivid colour – and Xanxus wondered if he was a fool.

Probably. But he couldn't help it.

Every day he went to that restaurant, eager to see her, and even his subordinates noticed, wondering why their immovable boss was suddenly like a puppy in love. That wasn't to say he neglected his duties as Decimo Candidate, exactly; it was his demeanor that transformed, especially when he was left to his own thoughts.

On that Sunday, when the store was closed, he stood at the door, bitterly disappointed.

“Excuse me,” the voice of an angel said.

Xanxus, after seizing up for a moment, turned, careful to keep his face blank. “Yes?”

She smiled at him again, and Xanxus could've sworn he heard the twang of Cupid's arrow hitting him again. “The store's closed today,” she said, her voice melodic. Xanxus wished he could drag her away somewhere and just _talk_ to her. If he tried to bed her now, he'd probably suffer an aneurysm or something.

“I know. I saw,” he said, somewhat stupidly.

“Good,” she said, and smiled again. As she walked off, Xanxus wondered why she had talked to him. It didn't matter, either way, because this was the best day of his life.

The next day, for afternoon tea, he went there again. She served him, and recognising him, gave him an even brighter smile.

If Xanxus hadn't been trained to keep a lid on his emotions, he would have jumped on her there and then. As it was, his hand spasming, he nodded his head back at her. Everyone in the room who knew who he was – Vongola bodyguards included – was startled by his manners (however little they may appear).

They couldn't comprehend that Xanxus was in love. They didn't understand that Decima was someone Xanxus would do _anything_ for.

Within a month they had become on first name basis.

“Decima?” Xanxus had said, mildly surprised. “Is that Italian?”

“Well...” Decima had tilted her head nervously, fingering her hair in that cute habit of hers. “Mother said she was the Roman goddess of childbirth and prophecy, one of the fates – I think she meant it to be positive.”

Xanxus nodded once. “It's a good name.” it was the number ten, Xanxus thought approvingly. It was looking like she was the perfect candidate to be his wife.

Almost immediately he banished that thought – he didn't know anything about her, so he couldn't make that claim. And he had no way of getting to her better, either; how the fuck was he supposed to befriend her, let alone _marry_ her? It was impossible.

* * *

A week later, Xanxus decided to ask his father for advice. As embarrassing as it may be, as stupid as it would sound, Xanxus didn't want to keep feeling like his heart was being ripped out every time he looked at her.

He knocked on the door. After there was no reply, he tried again, then said, “Hey, Ninth?” Seeing none of the Ninth Generation Guardians around, he let himself in and sat down to wait.

Assuming the notebook on the desk was on Vongola business (hell, it _looked_ like it was), he flipped it open-

And stumbled to his feet, gagging. He slammed his hands on the desk, blinded by the sense of betrayal that closed in on him. He had to keep reading – this was all a prank – this wasn't real – he wouldn't be so cruel-

But Timoteo, the Vongola Nono, _was_ that cruel. He was a filthy liar, and in that moment Xanxus swore he wouldn't ever forgive him.

Xanxus was in a dream-like state as he left the office.

“You look pale,” Visconti noted as he approached Xanxus. The would-be Vongola Decimo shoved his way past him, scowling. “Don't wear yourself out,” Visconti called out after Xanxus.

Xanxus, in a black fury, locked himself in his room for the rest of the afternoon, even neglecting to go see his beloved Decima. He knew where she lived now, and where she went to school (she was the same age as Xanxus). He wouldn't let her see him like this. His pride wouldn't allow it.

* * *

A full month later, Xanxus had managed to befriend Decima. They would talk together, and she had even introduced her to some of her friends – and Xanxus made it certain that none were mafia, for he had decided that Decima would not marry him. She would not enter the mafia world unless Xanxus was Decimo. And he would be.

Because he had a plan. One that revolved around a certain elite assassination squad.

* * *

When the white-haired man, who was more of a boy, approached Xanxus, he had at first disregarded his presence. He hadn't been the future head of any major mafia families, he hadn't been prominent in any way.

“Voi, I'm Superbi Squalo,” he had said, too loudly for Xanxus to like him. He held out his right hand to shake.

Xanxus glared at him, not deigning to respond. Squalo had sighed, yet again loudly, and said, “You're Xanxus.”

The Decimo Candidate turned his head away.

“VOI! It's not nice to ignore people,” Squalo had practically screamed, and that's when Xanxus noticed the prosthetic left hand.

“Oh,” Xanxus, everything clicking in his head. “You're that hitman, huh? Head of Varia.”

Squalo blinked, then smirked. “The very same.”

Xanxus didn't say anything more, letting Squalo talk on and on. He did take note of the people that looked at both of them strangely, and some in awe of Squalo; ever since Xanxus had learned the truth of his birth he had become more bitter and angry, more prone to beating the shit out of someone.

“Do you want to meet the rest of Varia?” Squalo eventually asked.

Xanxus stared at him, hard. “No.”

the majority of the gathering had dispersed by now, and the two had relative privacy. Even so, Squalo leaned in close and murmured, “I can't beat you in a fight.”

Xanxus snorted. “Of course not, trash.”

Squalo ignored that, continuing with, “So you should take over Varia.”

he considered this for a moment. “Hand over the reins now and I will,” he finally decided.

Squalo did so.

* * *

Lined up in front of Xanxus was Lussuria, Belphegor, and Mammon, with Squalo standing beside him.

“You don't have a lightning Guardian, scum,” he snarled at Squalo. “What sort of fucking assassins are?”

“Voi, do you know how hard it is to find a guardian that's Varia quality?” Squalo demanded angrily.

“I didn't think you were fucking stupid,” Xanxus said bitterly. As they argued, Belphegor said to Luss, “The new boss is going to be interesting,” and he laughed.

“Fine. I know who's going to be the lightning guardian.”

“Who?” Squalo asked. “If you already had an idea, then why did you yell at me?”

Xanxus glowered at him. “Levi.”

Squalo groaned. “Not that idiot.”

* * *

“Boss,” Leviathan said, standing in front of Xanxus's desk. Xanxus didn't even look at him when he told him he was now an officer of Varia.

Levi's face seemed to light up, but all he said was, “Yes, Boss.”

Squalo wondered who this pervert was. What the Sword Emperor _didn't_ know was that Xanxus had saved Levi's life accidentally while Xanxus had been doing field training. Accidental or not, Levi – who had never met anyone like him before – promptly swore loyalty to the man he thought of as a god.

Xanxus hatched a plan to lead a coup against Timoteo, which each officer was eager to pull off, even Ottavio, who was the current second-in-command. And so Xanxus attacked Vongola, holding on to the hope that one day he would be with Decima forever, lost in their love for each other.

* * *

Xanxus, in the state of being frozen, cursed his own foolishness. He lost track of time, and his memories blurred into each other. His thoughts, slurring now, could barely remember Decima's face. Sometimes, though, he could recall her smile momentarily, and his will to live was renewed. _Decima,_ he cried out, begging for a forgiveness he thought he would never have. _I'm sorry._

He didn't realise there was no need to apologise, because Decima didn't think he had done anything wrong; he was just a man who stopped turning up one day.

And the eight years erased Xanxus from her mind.

* * *

When Xanxus had been defrosted, he lay on the ground, gasping for air, knowing that Decima wouldn't want to marry him with the scars on his face and his body. He didn't see that Decima would've looked past all that.

After finding out about Ottavio's betrayal, and the news that some brat named Tsunayoshi Sawada would be the new Decimo, Xanxus made his way into town.

Everything was almost the same, but not quite.

His favourite restaurant was shut down for good. The building was for lease, the place empty. He felt his heart caved in as the true length of time finally came crashing down on his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, moving into the shadows of the street where no one would see him.

And then, by some miracle, he saw the love of his life across the road. She was smiling; she looked happy and healthy holding some child's hand.

The child looked about three or four, and Xanxus despaired. He slumped against the wall, watching them, watching Decima's love for another man shine on her face. On her hand was a ring, and Xanxus knew then that Decima had married, had a kid, and no longer thought about the sixteen-year-old mafia boss that came to visit the place she used to work at every night.

Her loose clothing did nothing to hide the new child, and Xanxus prayed then that she would be happy. Eternally happy, healthy, and she would die at an old age, surrounded by her children and grandchildren and be able to smile as her soul passed to heaven.

He didn't think walking away could be so difficult.

He could barely hold back his tears and his sobs, his lack of faith in humanity. When he managed to get to his office, shutting the door behind him, he bit down on his hand, muffling his wails. Falling on his knees, he knew there were tears streaming down his face, knew that he looked so weak and pathetic.

“I'm trash,” he whispered. “ _Shit.”_

He didn't notice the footsteps, and then: “Voi, Boss, is something-” He stopped talking when he saw Xanxus's face, then swore viciously as he closed the door.

“Xanxus,” he began, but Xanxus cut him off. “Get out, shitty shark.”

“Voi, if the whole frozen thing is bothering you-”

“It's not that,” Xanxus said forcefully. “Not really, anyway.” He hated how hoarse his voice sounded , how Squalo was seeing him like this. He would've killed anyone else that had seen him, but not Squalo; it was too much effort, so he'd torture him later.

Squalo sighed loudly, then ran a hand through his hair. “What about, then?”

Xanxus rubbed at his face, unwilling to admit it. The silence stretched on, until finally: “I loved her.” Xanxus scowled at the floor. “But now she's married and got kids and everything. It's all that shitty old man's fault. If he hadn't...” He trailed off.

“I won't drag her into the mafia world,” he said, speaking again when Squalo turned to leave. “Not if she's happy as she is.”

Squalo sighed again. “Voi, you're tragic when you're sappy like this.”

“Don't tell anyone about this, shitty shark,” Xanxus growled at him.

* * *

Xanxus, unable to cope with his heartbreak, turned all other emotions into rage and hate. He systematically hardened his heart in the hope he would never go through this again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ottavio is (sort of) canon. He's in one of the light novels.
> 
> And Levi's past is never explained, so I decided to come up with a reason as to why he's so loyal~


	3. Chapter 3

His scars were tormenting him again. He thrashed in his bed, flinging off the covers and sitting up. He was scratching at his old wounds, remembering the frozen hell he had been through, the feeling of suffocating, eyes wide open and yet uncomprehending. His whole body ached when he thought about it all-

He spat out curses against his old man, raging at him. He had made him look so useless, almost as though he were _ordinary._ Xanxus of the Varia was far from it. He was strong, one of the most powerful men to walk the entire fucking planet.

Once he had tired himself out, he fell back, sweating. He had ripped off his clothes, flinging them to the floor. He lay awake for what seemed like hours, before getting up and doing some work.

* * *

Namimori was peaceful, and Xanxus became amused at thinking about how he could mess the town up. He imagined pointing his X-guns at various houses, toying with the idea that the residents would begin screaming and running around, wondering why their god was pissed at them.

Tsunayoshi Sawada was down there somewhere, and Xanxus was going to kill him.

* * *

What he didn't expect was seeing _her._

It was Decima all over again, except she was the opposite – Decima was like the sun, but this girl was like night. This time, however, Xanxus made it his mission to stay away, to not get involved. He told himself that he had no time for whores. He knew he was lying; he just wanted his heart to be whole.

Decima's hair had been shorter, Xanxus caught himself thinking one time, while he tried to complete some work. But the mystery girl's hair had been down to her waist, long and flowing. Decima had been vibrant, brimming with life, and that had given her beauty; the girl's face had been beautiful, but Xanxus sensed that she was done with life.

He slammed his fist on the table, angry with himself. He was going back to that place, and being a hopeless fool in love was a huge mistake. He couldn't do it again.

He saw her again a few days later, and _damn_ he thought she looked good, even if she was just wearing a school uniform. She had her head down, and when she looked up, her eyes slid right past Xanxus, dismissing him.

The Varia boss had no idea why he fell for her. Maybe he was just a sucker for a pretty face, or desperate for someone to care about him, or maybe he was just trash.

Xanxus found out she was going to Namimori High School, and had average grades and poor athleticism. _Shit,_ he realised, as he stared at the paperwork Belphegor had caused yet again. _I'm a fucking stalker._

That idea, and the knowledge he was still a dumb kid at heart, hit him like a boulder; and like any boulder that dared to charge at Xanxus, he blew it to smithereens.

* * *

After the ring battles, after that bitter defeat, Xanxus returned to Italy, allowing the ocean to put the girl out of his mind. All the other Varia officers behaved the usual way, fighting and bickering, but the tinge of resentment at their loss hung in the air.

* * *

They returned to Japan for the Inheritance Ceremony arc, that shitty little brat still refusing to accept his place as Decimo.

Xanxus, while he went to Japan, flat out refused to go to any ceremony celebrating that brat. So he roamed Namimori, and for the first time in his life he experienced serendipity. The mystery girl was sitting on a bench across the street, her hair even longer and tied back, exposing her neck. Xanxus heard a roaring in his ears, and he stopped to stare at her, feeling even more like a fool.

Whenever traffic came between him and his view, he silently and inventively swore at the passengers.

“Excuse me,” a voice said, “Are you feeling all right?”

Xanxus turned in surprise, seeing a kind-looking woman who held a striking resemblance to the shitty kid. He wouldn't be surprised if she was his mother.

“I'm fine,” he said shortly, turning back, only to find the girl was gone. He cursed the woman for having distracted him, but she said:

“Are you sure? You look pale...” she tilted her head at him, smiling gently. “If you want, you can come over to my place and have some tea.”

Was this woman stupid, or just incredibly naive? Xanxus looked like a criminal, he acted like a criminal – hell, he was gazing at some girl like he wanted to fuck her brains out. Anyone following him would think he was some serial rapist or something, and this woman was inviting him _back to her house?_

Xanxus was tempted to laugh in her face and declare her as scum, but something held him back. He hesitated, then accepted the offer.

* * *

Xanxus was sitting uncomfortably at the table, watching the woman potter around in the kitchen. When Reborn walked in, he acted as if nothing was wrong and sat down beside Xanxus.

“Ciaossu,” he greeted the Varia boss. Xanxus ignored him.

When Tsuna came in with Gokudera, Lambo and I-Pin, he let out his signature 'Hie!' and practically shrieked, “Xanxus! What are you doing here?”

Xanxus ignored him again.

Gokudera, who had jumped in front of Tsuna and was holding several dynamite sticks in his hand, asked, “What did you do to Mama?”

Sawada – Mama? - scolded both of the boys, then apologised to Xanxus for the commotion.

“Don't worry about it,” Xanxus replied, startling everyone else. _Xanxus had manners?_

Apparently, the two children, Lambo and I-Pin, didn't let Xanxus's presence stop them; Tsuna was jealous of the ease in which they and Reborn could sit and chatter away while Xanxus's face got progressively darker and darker.

When the green tea was set down in front of Xanxus, he picked it up and sipped from it. He didn't throw it across the room or anything, so Tsuna assumed he liked it.

The others trickled back out of the room again, leaving Xanxus, Tsuna and Nana; Tsuna was sitting on the other side of the table with Nana directly opposite Xanxus.

“Do you feel better?” Nana asked, and when Xanxus nodded, she jolted a bit and exclaimed, “I haven't introduced myself! I'm Nana Sawada,” she said, beaming at him. “This is my son, Tsunayoshi Sawada.”

“Xanxus,” the asssassin said bluntly.

“Xanxus?” Nana tried out the name. “That's not Japanese.”

“I'm Italian,” he said.

“Really?” Nana seemed genuinely surprised, and Xanxus didn't know how she hadn't figured it out; he looked like a foreigner, after all.

“Why are you in Italy?” This woman was actually interested in him, Xanxus realised.

Xanxus glanced at Tsuna, who frantically waved his arms around like he was having a fit. He frowned, then when Tsuna shook his head so hard it nearly fell off, he got the hint.

“I'm on business,” he replied, figuring that Nana knew nothing of the mafia.

“What sort of business?”

_Fucking shit up,_ Xanxus thought sourly. “I'm in management.” It was a complete lie.

“What do you manage?”

Jesus, could this woman just shut up? “A bunch of loudmouth scum,” Xanxus responded, and knew that wasn't what she had been looking for.

“They always cause trouble,” he said, slightly bitterly. “One of them claims to a damn prince but fucks up every job he's taken. Another has this ass-long hair so it always clogs the bloody drains and he's always yelling like his opinion matters. Another keeps copying everything I do and _pisses me off.”_

“They sound like a lively bunch,” Nana said, trying to see the positive.

“Our meetings start off civil but then they dissolve into all-out brawls,” Xanxus continued, getting into the swing of things. “We end up throwing glassware at each other and punching each other on the table.”

Nana laughed, and patted his hand that was on the table. Xanxus froze at the touch, seriously considering throwing the tea at her. His eye twitched as he worked to contain his rage, before saying, “Thanks for the tea. I have to leave now.”

He stood, and Nana stood with him. “You're welcome back any time,” she said, warmly this time. Ignoring Tsuna's cry of fear, he replied, “I'll take you up on that,” before leaving the Sawada residence.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Xanxus did stop by again, after the fight against Bermuda and his hospitalization. They ended up getting to know each other well, and eventually, when they alone in the house, Xanxus blurted out, “I like a girl but I don't even know her name.” Then he flushed and looked away, refusing to duck his head but also burning with embarrassment.

“Oh?” To his surprise, Nana didn't seem to look down on him.For a mafioso's wife she really laid-back. “What does she look like?”

Xanxus considered the question. “Uh, like a Yamato Nadeshiko, I guess.”

Nana smiled at that. “Nice to see you know about that,” she said. “But there're several girls like that in Namimori.”

“She goes to Namimori High School,” Xanxus said. “She stops by the river...when we met, I had been watching her.” _Like a fucking stalker,_ he added silently, grateful for Nana's stupidity.

“Oh!” Something clicked in Nana's brain. “You mean Kanna, right?”

Xanxus blinked at her. “I don't know.”

“Wait, I have a photo,” she said, and disappeared for a moment. When she returned, she handed over a photo. The mystery girl was standing beside the shitty brat, and Xanxus was instantly struck by envy.

“That's her,” he muttered.

“She's a nice girl,” Nana said, somewhat wistfully. “It's just a shame...”

“What is?” Xanxus prodded, but Nana didn't complete the thought aloud. “It's not my place to say,” Nana said, and that ended the discussion for the day.

* * *

 

The next time Xanxus visited, Tsuna was having a half day. He answered the door, and immediately shrieked when he realised it was Xanxus. “W-what are you d-doing here?” Tsuna could barely formulate the words.

Xanxus ignored him and moved past him, deciding against killing him at that moment in time.

“Oh, you're here,” Nana said happily. “You'[re always so prompt. By the way, how old are you?”

Xanxus seemed to darken. “I'm not sure.”

Tsuna, who had followed Xanxus, felt his stomach begin to riot as his intuition crackled. “D-don't hurt my mother,” he hissed at the Varia Boss.

Xanxus scowled back at him. “I'm not going to, you trash.”

“How are you not sure?” Nana questioned.

Xanxus, seating himself, considered how much he should say. He glanced at Reborn, who was also seated at the table. “Physically, I guess I'm about sixteen.”

“Physically?”

“Well...” Xanxus looked sick, and Tsuna was surprised by his display of emotions (other than the usual rage and hate, of course). “I wasn't really in _this world_ for about eight years...”

Nana tried to comprehend and failed. “I'm sorry, I don't understand...but if this too painful, you don't have to talk about it.”

“My shitty old man froze me for eight years,” Xanxus said, deciding it was better to rip off the band aid quickly. “So I guess I'm still sixteen, but I've technically been alive for twenty-four.”

“Oh...” Nana looked sympathetic. Normally that would've annoyed Xanxus, but this time it comforted him. “How were you frozen?”

Xanxus, funnily enough – or maybe ironically – froze at her words, before spitting out, “In a block of ice. It sounds outrageous to you, but it's how I got the scars.”

Nana smiled softly, as if comforting him. She gave him a piece of cake wordlessly, seating herself opposite him. He hated cake, but he had found it was impossible to say no to Nana; whenever he tried to utter the words, he always choked on them.

Tsuna sat himself at the other side of the table, partly out of concern fr his mother and a perverse curiosity as to what Xanxus would tell his mother.

“You hate your father for it,” Nana said, a bright note in her voice. Xanxus wondered why.

“Of course I do,” he grumbled. “How can I not? He lied to me for my entire fucking life, and then that scum froze me-”

“Language,” Nana scolded, and Xanxus clicked his mouth shut before opening it again. “He froze me for eight years. He took _eight years_ of my life.”

“Why did he?”

Xanxus frowned. “Why did he what?”

“Why did he freeze you? If he was your father, he wouldn't have done it without a reason.”

“He's not my father,” Xanxus said, filled with disgust. “I thought he was, and I thought I was going to inherit the...company, the _bastardo._ ” He opted to swear in Italian because Nana didn't understand. The look she gave him told him she had a fair indication of what he had said.

“Then I spent eight years in hell.” Xanxus wished he had some whiskey. “Do you know what it's like to be frozen for that long? Your body starts to ache and you think you're mind is going to implode and you can't breathe, but you have to draw breath, and your eyes are wide open and yet all you see is black and the noise in your ears never goes away and you think you're going to spend _forever_ like that-” he stopped to draw breath, resting his head on the table. For once in his life he didn't mind the display of weakness; he jusr needed an outlet.

“I can't understand that sort of pain,” Nana said quietly. “But I think you should talk it over with your father.”

Xanxus, head in his hands, didn't respond.

“I'm sure there was a valid reason,” Nana tried to convince Xanxus, looking as though _she_ were the one in pain.

Xanxus considered telling her, glancing at Tsuna. The future boss looked like he was going to throw up, and, checking if there was anyone else in the vicinity (there wasn't), he said, “I tried to lead a coup. Twice.”

“What? You mean, you tried using _violence?!”_

“Yep,” Xanxus agreed. “Would've worked too, if it hadn't been for-” he cut himself off.

Nana was conflicted between the two now. “I still think you should talk it over with your father,” she said, more firm now.

“Ah, mother,” Tsuna said, drawing attention to himself. “We don't know the full circumstances, so I don't think we should-”

“Is that what you really think?” Xanxus asked, cutting him off.

“Yes,” Nana said, and her tone implied it was an order.

“Fine,” Xanxus agreed. “I will.”

He couldn't say no.

* * *

That night he saw Kanna. He followed her for a while, before walking straight past a wallet-

Xanxus stopped and gazed at it, and, hoping against hope, picked it up. Flipping it open, he rummaged through it, happy that it was Kanna's. He followed her again, until she turned down a quiet street, before he ran to catch up.

He tapped her on the shoulder, saw her turn, admired the beauty of her skin and the colour of her eyes. “You dropped this,” he said, holding out the wallet.

Kanna stared blankly at it, before accepting it. “Thank you,” she murmured, and oh god Xanxus could feel the pull-

he recalled some men he had known back in the slums who had talked about the 'lightning moment', the moment when you fall so hard in love you feel like you were hit wit hlightning. He felt it now, a jolt of electricity down his spine, and in that moment he knew he loved her more than he had Decima.

 _I don't know enough about her,_ Xanxus realised, and he sought to know more.

Kanna was already walking away, and Xanxus had no idea what to do next. It didn't matter. He became aware of the fact that he was fine, being a benevolent god. He was fine just watching over her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanna = Strong calm


	5. Chapter 5

“VOI!” Squalo stabbed his sword at Xanxus from a safe distance. “Where the hell have you been, shitty boss?”

“Shaddup, you shitty shark,” Xanxus growled back, throwing his (shitty) whiskey at Squalo's head.

“Don't avoid doing work,” Squalo was gearing up for a rant, and Xanxus ignored it, choosing to walk straight past him.

“Boss, I'm glad you're back,” Levi said, blushing.

“Ushishishi~ Maybe the Boss has a mistress we don't know about,” Bel put in, and the idea of it cast a hurt look on Levi's face.

“Boss, you didn't,” Levi said fearfully.

Xanxus ignored all of them, slumping in his chair. They kept bickering and yelling, and at one point Xanxus shouted at them to get of his fucking office because he had shit to do.

He wasn't lying. Belphegor had fucked up a lot of diplomacies – surprise, surprise – Mammon was demanding yet another payrise, Squalo had passed on the paperwork that needed Xanxus's approval, Levi has creeped out a boss's daughter again, and Lussuria had stolen some more corpses.

Xanxus rubbed at the part where his arm had been ripped off, where it ached. His legs weren't quite the same, either, and the scars from the ice were needling him as well. His body was a mess, he knew, and Kanna would think he was ugly.

Xanxus shut that thought down. Women liked scars, he told himself.

* * *

It took him three days for him to finish off the stack, after which he promptly went over to the Vongola Headquarters, where he let himself in to Timoteo's office. A sick feeling overwhelmed im for a moment as he recalled what had happened the last time he had been there.

“Xanxus,” Timoteo said in surprise, his pen hovering over the page.

Xanxus kicked a chair out and flopped down, ignoring the glares from the four Guardians present. “Leave, trash,” he said harshly.

The Guardians turned to Timoteo, who nodded his assent, setting aside whatever trash he had been working on.

Once the door clicked closed, Xanxus spat out, “Why the fuck did you lie to me for so long?”

Timoteo blinked. “Despite the differences-”

“Don't,” Xanxus ordered. “You trash, don't you dare soften this. You knew I wasn't your son. Why lead me on? I would've understood if you'd just _told_ me-”

“And destroy your faith in your mother?” Timoteo questioned. “You believed her words. I didn't want to-”

“You have no idea what my mother was like,” Xanxus said in a low voice, and he could feel his fury straining against his leash. “My mother was insane. She used to ramble about things, so many things, and it scared me, you know. There were also strange men, every night, and they used to hit me around until they saw my flames and ran. If you had told me the truth, I would've put it all down to my mother's delusions.”

“...I didn't know,” Timoteo said softly. “But I do under-”

“You don't get _shit,_ ” Xanxus hissed, standing. “I hate your guts, you shitty old man, for lying, and for sending me to hell for eight years. I'm just sorry that you didn't fucking kick the bucket when I put you in the Gola Mosca.”

Timoteo visibly flinched at his words, then sighed. He stood, for a brief moment mirroring Xanxus. He walked around the desk, holding the cane, and Xanxus thought he was going to freeze him again. Xanxus winced at the thought, gearing himself up to fight.

Timoteo saw the flinch, and felt a crushing sadness overcome him. Still holding the cane, he bowed to Xanxus so his waist was almost parallel to t he floor. “I really am sorry,” Timoteo said humbly.

Stunned, Xanxus could only look down at Timoteo. He had expected excuses and empty apologies and dismissals, not _this._

The Varia boss, unable to say anything, flew out of the Ninth's office. Timoteo didn't raise his head until he heard the door shut.

* * *

Xanxus waited a week and a half.

“Where's Iemitsu?” Xanxus asked.

Squalo turned and asked back, “Why the fuck do you care?”

“Answer the question, trash.”

“VOI! He's in Russia, I think, shitty boss.”

Xanxus slumped back in his chair, and then made sure the airplane was ready for departure.

“Shishishi~ where's the Boss planning on going?' Bel had found out (probably by stabbing some poor grunt).

“Shaddup,” Xanxus grumbled, but Varia found out about his trip to Japan anyway.

“VOI! Why the fuck are you going to Japan? We don't have any missions there-”

“Maybe Boss really does have a mistress-”

“Shishishi~ The prince wants sushi-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Xanxus snarled, throwing a pen at Squalo. “I'm going alone.”

* * *

Xanxus went to the Sawada residence after making sure Iemitsu and shitty brat were out.

“Oh, Xanxus,” Nana greeted him, and promptly brew some tea. Xanxus still didn't have it in him to tell her he preferred whiskey or tequila.

“Where are the sh- the kids?”

“Oh, they've gone out with Bianchi, I think to follow Tsuna around again,” Nana said. “Either way, they're safe.”

_Like I care about their safety,_ Xanxus thought flatly.

“I talked to him,” Xanxus said after Nana had seated herself. “Went weirdly.”  
Nana nodded. “That's good. What did you talk about?”

“When I walked in, he said, 'Xanxus', and then I told the others, 'Leave, trash'-”

“You don't have to recite it,” Nana laughed. “I already know your memory is impressive. Just summarise it.”

Xanxus drummed his fingers on the table. “Well,” he said uncertainly. “We exchanged some words, and it pretty much ended with him bowing in apology and then I sort of...ran away.”

“So it worked out,” Nana chirped.

“Not really,” Xanxus glowered. “I ran. Like a coward.”

“But now you have something to say. Like, 'sorry', or something.”

Xanxus snorted. “Why would I say that to trash?”

“Even if you don't mean it, you should.” Xanxus had nothing to say to that, and they sat in silence.

Xanxus eventually broke it with, “Hey...why did you talk to me on that day?”

Nana knew what he was referring to. “You looked ill,” she said.

Xanxus leaned forward. “No, that's not it. Just look at the way I dress. You wouldn't normally approach me if I looked a little pale.”

Nana sighed and set her cup down. “Tsu-kun and my husband think I'm completely oblivious, but I'm not.” At that Xanxus had to suppress his shock, but calmed as it became apparent she didn't know about the mafia: “I know they're hiding something dangerous from me, and it's probably for the best, but still...” she shrugged. “A mother's intuition.”

“...that has nothing to do with it,” Xanxus half-growled.

For once Nana looked sad. “Xanxus, why haven't you talked about your mother?”

Xanxus paused. “Why would I?”

“You've talked about your other problems. They've all been quite serious, and...”

Xanxus blinked. “There's nothing to know about her.”

Nana waved a hand through the air, finding the right words. “You seemed like you needed a home. That, and you looked sick to the soul.”

Xanxus jerked back in surprise, for once lost for words.

“When was the last time you saw your mother?” Nana asked gently, looking into his eyes.

Xanxus clamped his mouth shut, trying to resist. But the words prised his mouth apart. “When I was about eight,” he said sullenly.

“And now there's trouble with your father, and your workplace isn't easy,” Nana said, and her kindness was ruining Xanxus. “You're in love with Kanna, but I know she isn't the first, not like Tsuna with Kyoko.” She placed a hand on his arm. “I just want you to know that even if no one else is, I'm here.”

Xanxus didn't move.

“I'm sure Tsu-kun will be too,” Nana said, and Xanxus shook his head.

“No,” he muttered. “We've had...too many differences.”

“You've met before?” Nana was surprised.

“”Yes,” he said shortly. “I can't tell you any more.”

But Nana only smiled at Xanxus, and for what felt like the first time in his life he felt the warmth of a mother's glow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOA THERE XANXUS rein it back a bit, okay? But wait, more mushy stuff is coming...*sweatdrop*
> 
> Yeah, so I'm making up a lot of Xanxus's backstory prior to Vongola. And the bit where Timoteo is apologising to him is inspired by a headcanon I read somewhere, and I have it somewhere....


	6. Chapter 6

Xanxus could feel his mind breaking, and so he stayed away from Kanna. He couldn't handle it, couldn't tolerate the pain. Why was he so fragile so weak so pathetic-

He was trash.

He was scum.

He wasn't worth it.

_Kanna,_ he begged silently. _I want to see her but I can't because I don't know her and she doesn't know me but it hurts-_

_God, I'm a sick bastard,_ Xanxus thought bitterly, wishing he had never seen her that day. This was torture. This anguish was the worst.

And so he turned to whiskey and tequila, his only companions.

* * *

Xanxus stopped by the Sawada house again, and this time on a Sunday. It was the only day he was free that week.

They resumed their usual seats, Tsuna still quaking at the thought of his enemy-turned-ally-in-name-but-also-fucking-scary-dude actually got along with his mother. Nana brewed more green tea. For once the taste of it calmed Xanxus; normally he could barely swallow the stuff, but now it reminded him of-

He blasted that thought away. Reborn, Lambo and I-Pin were also away somewhere, and Xanxus wondered if they were avoiding him. Aside from Reborn, they were all trash anyway.

“You returned to Italy, didn't you?” Nana asked. “Isn't all the traveling you do expensive?”

“No,” Xanxus said. “Va- the company I work for has its own private jet. It's all paid for.”

“You still haven't told me what exactly you do,” Nana commented, setting a plate of biscuits in front of him.

Xanxus didn't take any, watching the shitty brat pick some. Tsuna shot a look at Xanxus, and for once Xanxus appreciated how much of a boss that expression cast on his face. Give the boy a medal, Xanxus thought drily.

“Management. Actually, we deal with a lot of messes, like a law firm. We also work in development and finance.” _Although the finance part is mostly Mammon._

“That's a broad range of things,” Nana again commented, then inquired, “But what's your role?”

_Looking after the fuckers._ “I manage the managers.”

“Are you the boss?”

Xanxus hesitated. He had already said he was effectively sixteen; how strange would she think it was? “Yeah,” he said. “Only because one of my subordinates handed it over to me, though.”

“Which one is that?”

“Squalo.”

“Ah,” Nana said. “Isn't he the most loyal?”

Both Tsuna and Xanxus choked, each annoyed that they mirrored each other. “He is,” Tsuna managed to gasp out.

“Oh, you know him, Tsu-kun?”

“Yeah. We've...met.”

“That's nice,” Nana said, somehwat absently, and Xanxus instantly felt sick. He jerked upright, bowels turning to water as he watched her turn away, to reach for something-

Xanxus lunged forwards desperately, Tsuna reacting to Xanxus's sudden movement. “Don't hurt _kaa-san,_ ” Tsuna shouted as Xanxus shoved the table aside, spilling tea and crumbs everywhere.

“Get off me, trash,” Xanxus barked, snatching whatever Nana was holding out of her hands. And then he looked down at it, the nausea finally taking hold. He collapsed to his knees, and the places where his limbs had been cut off began to burn.

It had been a jar. Just a jar. No drugs. None. There hadn't been any and oh god hewastrashwhatwashedoing-

He hurt her hehurther hewasnothing-

He couldn't move. He was encased in the ice again. He was suffocating-

“Xanxus,” Nana said, and when he looked up her hand was on his cheek and she looked scared.

Xanxus threw himself backwards, and Tsuna was concerned but unsure what to do. “Are you all right?” Nana was saying, but a bruise was forming on her wrist and he didn't know what to do.

“Xanxus?”

He let out a gasp, then sucked in a breath. He turned and fled.

* * *

He went back to booze. He didn't want to exist.

* * *

He saw Kanna in the convenience store, and he only gazed at her. He didn't have the urge to talk to her any more.

* * *

He suffered from nightmares. Suffocating, cold, his mother, his father, the humiliation and oh god it hurt all of it-

Why didn't she love him?

Why didn't she care?

Why did she ignore him and-

* * *

_Mother,_ Xanxus thought. _Mother. Where are you?_

He was back in the slums, back in that god-awful place. Back in the familiar streets, in the place he had been born.

He knew all the places to hide and to run and to avoid. Everyone there knew who he was; the legend that had risen from poverty to lead an elite assassination squad, son of the Vongola Ninth, feared across the world. It was gratifying to see them turn away in fear. They were strangers; they couldn't see his turmoil.

“You're that boy,” one elderly man croaked out, pointing his crude walking stick at him. Xanxus issued him a death glare which the man ignored. “Are you looking for your mother?”

“Yeah.”

The man grinned. “What a terrible son you are. Did you ever think of her as you lived high and mighty?”

Xanxus felt his rage snap in his throat. He pointed an X-gun at his head. “Where is she?” He snarled.

“The local cemetery,” he said, and cackled. Xanxus backhanded him and moved on.

Her death only meant she could not answer questions. He was back at the beginning.

* * *

Xanxus had a dream, that was all too close to the past.

It involved his mother.

“ _Mother,” Xanxus said, looking up at her. “Tell me about my father again.”_

_She only waved him away, and a man (yet another one, how many did she need?) was there, and Xanxus knew what was going to happen. He couldn't watch, so he left the house-_

_When he returned, he opened the cupboard. There was nothing-_

_Oh god he was hungry-_

_He was weak from it, he could feel his stomach caving in. He wondered if this was hell, or just what reality was like._

_Desperate times, he thought, as he used his Flames to rob and kill just for food._

_Life was cheap, he chanted in his head in time with his footsteps. The bread was still warm in his hands, the blood on his clothes still wet._

_Avoid the mafiosi, he knew instinctively. This power of mine is nothing-_

_No one can oppose me._

_I must survive._

_I am the Ninth's son, he thought desperately, wrapping himself in arrogance. He had to survive, to strive, to move forward-_

_Because no matter how many times his mother she loved him, it never got any better. Love wasn't worth anything._

_"I must survive," he whispered to himself as he stuffed more bread into his mouth, watching out for the baker. When the baker saw the boy, Xanxus ran from him._

And yet the running never seemed to end. His Flames were endless, born of a fury that cursed his fate.

He was not trash. He was scum. He was worth something.

He would prove it to all of them. Other people didn't matter, only he did.

And yet the ice closed in on him.

* * *

“VOI!” Squalo shouted, and Xanxus loathed him. He threw a glass at his head, enjoying the way it shattered and spilled.

“Too noisy,” he snapped at the swordsman. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Shitty boss,” Squalo growled at him. “Why the fuck are you constantly AWOL?”

“ _Why are you never around to protect your mother?”_ A voice from his past hissed at him.

“Because I hate you _bastardos,_ ” Xanxus replied, and Levi felt a stab of pain.

“B-Boss, why do you hate us?” He practically whined.

“Shishishi~ The prince understands how you feel.”

“VOI! You don't have a say in the matter.”

“Shut it, shitty shark.”

“DON'T TELL ME TO-”

“Okay, we should all calm down now,” Lussuria interjected, making the universal gesture of _calm down or we'll all end up dead_.

“Get me beef,” he ordered Squalo, who sighed and contacted the kitchen.

And everyone in the room fell silent.

Squalo reminded him too much of the past. He was like a leash, he decided. The man had been with him through a lot of shit, and had handed given him Varia, but he had also seen his weakness. He had seen him cry and yell and despair.

But even so, that just meant Xanxus had a certain attachment to Squalo. When he had thought he had died in the Rain Ring Battle, Xanxus didn't know what to think. For a split second he had hesitated, then laughed. It was expected of him.

That's all.

He had to live up to expectations.

That was everything.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Serendipity. Xanxus thanked the universe for such a thing.

That said, while it was fortuitous for him, it wasn't exactly lucky for Kanna. He had been walking to the Sawada Residence, gearing himself up to apologise (to Nana and no one else) and possibly never show up again. He hoped Iemitsu didn't find out – he didn't need CEDEF on his back any more than they were already. If she had bruised – then Xanxus was probably at least partially fucked.

So as he considered the tragedy that was his life, his Kanna-radar was set off. Startled, he glanced around him, seeing nothing. Almost dismissing the feeling, he looked to his left-

And Kanna was lying on the ground, barely able to breathe. Xanxus's heart stopped for a moment, and he became accutely aware that he was the only one seeing this.

And so Xanxus decided to do the opposite of what any officer of Varia would expect from him: He helped her.

* * *

Xanxus nearly chewed on his nail, but then sat on his hand, slumping in his chair. He bounced his leg, then again stopped, wishing he could have a bottle of tequila.

“Hie! X-Xanxus?” Xanxus stilled, then turned to look at the shitty brat.

“Brat,” he greeted Tsuna.

Tsuna sat down beside him without asking, pissing Xanxus off. “Go away, trash,” he growled, but Tsuna ignored him.

“Why are you here?”

_Kid's got balls._ “Waiting.”

“B-But-” Tsuna cut himself off. “Is this about Kanna? I heard from mother that...well...”

Xanxus scowled, turning his head away from the brat.

“She's ill, you know,” Tsuna tried to say. “Her life...they say she won't live beyond twenty.”

Xanxus's head snapped around, and he practically crushed the brat's arm as he hissed, “Are you serious, scum?”

Tsuna blinked in shock, and Xanxus barely registered the presence of Reborn as he shook Tsuna violently. “She's going to _die?_ ”

“Well...” Tsuna tugged at his arm frantically, scared by the look in his eyes. _“_ Not necessarily, but...”

“Shit,” Xanxus swore, slumping in his chair.

“It's not like you to get so worked up over someone,” Reborn remarked, and Tsuna exclaimed, “Reborn!” He turned to Xanxus, holding up his hands. “I'm sure he didn't mean it...”

“Why the fuck are you dealing with my shit?” Xanxus snapped. “We're not exactly friends, you trash.”

Tsuna sighed, looking depressed. “I know. But you helped in the future, and you're still Vongola.”

Xanxus twitched. “Also, I'm friends with your mum.”

“That too,” Tsuna acknowledged. “Th-that's actually pretty weird...”

“I know, scum.”

“Like, if dad dies, and you marry, you become my step-dad...” Tsuna shuddered, looking as though he was going to vomit.

Xanxus felt sick as well. “Don't think about that,” he gasped out. “I would rather shoot myself in the foot than become your _step-dad._ ”

“I'd shoot myself in the head with an X-gun,” Tsuna mumbled.

“You'd still live. It's go right past your tiny brain.”

Tsuna opened his mouth to reply, but a nurse came to tell them of Kanna's condition.

* * *

And that was how Kanna and Xanxus became friends. They ended up exchanging numbers (mainly because Xanxus forced her to) and met on the weekends.

Xanxus was so happy he seriously considered moving Varia over to Japan, or just flat out letting Squalo take the reins.

Xanxus kept drinking, still unable to cope. He couldn't sleep with the covers on; it was like drowning. He couldn't do anything, he was useless, he was trash-

“Fuck,” he muttered, grabbing the bottle of wine beside his bed. “I can't deal with this shit.”

He drained half the bottle, not bothering to pour it into a glass. “Mother,” he grumbled. “Fuck you for dying without answers.”

He drained the other half, relief mixing with drunkenness. Now he could sleep.

* * *

The more Xanxus interacted with Kanna, the more she drove him crazy.

They were sitting on a park bench, side by side, and Xanxus wanted to slide over and wrap his arm around her because _damn-_

But she probably wouldn't like that.

“My illness will kill me within four years,” Kanna said blankly.

Xanxus looked at her. “You've given up.”

Kanna shrugged. “There's nothing for me to live for.”

Xanxus thought about what the shitty brat would say. “Family?” He guessed.

“They're never around.”

“Friends?”

“...No one but you.” The way she looked then, long black hair sweeped over her shoulder, head down, eyes solemn, was absolutely stunning. She was much better looking than Decima.

“Not even an ambition?” Xanxus pressed.

“No,” Kanna said emotionlessly. “What is there to live for?”

Xanxus's throat went dry. He knew she loved sweet things, and her favourite season was autumn, and she was slightly squeamish. Her parents worked in the oil industry (Xanxus wondered if that meant mafia), her older brother was at Tokyo University, and she used to be bullied in school.

Xanxus loved what she loved, and he hated what she hated.

“I'm turning into Levi,” he mumbled.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing,” Xanxus said.

“Who is Levi?”

“A...subordinate of mine,” Xanxus said.

Kanna looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “How old are you? You always seem to evade the question.”

Xanxus stiffened. “Twenty-four,” he said.

“That felt like a lie,” Kanna commented, and Xanxus started.

“It wasn't,” he said.

“Something tells me it was.”

“But it was-”

Kanna gazed straight at him, and Xanxus had to bite his tongue to stop himself from jumping on top of her. “Fine,” he said. “I'm sixteen, but technically twenty-four.”

“That doesn't make sense.”

“It makes perfect sense.”

Kanna flashed a smile at him. “You're going to have to explain.”

Blushing like some fucking virgin, Xanxus stammered, “I-I was frozen for eight years. So technically, I've been alive for twenty-four years, but...” he shrugged helplessly.

Kanna breathed out. “That's messed up.”

“I know,” Xanxus growled. “It's how I got these scars.”

“I didn't think there was technology that could do that.”

Xanxus didn't reply to that. He couldn't be bothered explaining the whole 'Flames' and 'Mafia' thing to her.

 


	8. Chapter 8

He didn't know how it happened, only that it did, and he couldn't deal with this fucking bullshit because he was emotionally stunted and all-round fucked over.

One hour ago he had been barking orders at Squalo, and had been signing off the paperwork Varia produced – it was still a mystery as to how an assassination squad could generate so much work – while thinking about seeing Kanna again and updating Nana on the situation.

But forty-five minutes beforehand he received a text from Kanna to come over and help her with something. A sense of dread made his stomach turn over as he asked what she meant.

It had been ten minutes and no reply, so, heart in his throat, he headed out.

He knocked on the door of Kanna's apartment, feeling physically sick and wishing he had brought a bottle of whiskey with him. It had taken him thirty minutes to get to Kanna's place, and thankfully her parents were  _still_ away.

“Come in,” he heard her call. He opened the door, closing it behind him and putting on the chain.

“It's dangerous to leave it like that-” Xanxus stopped on the threshold to the living room, fury overtaking his body.

“Kanna?”

The girl was crying, head down, eyes blank and open. “I'm sorry,” she whispered, and Xanxus noticed the disheveled clothing.

“What happened?” He asked stupidly.

Kanna blinked at him, then looked back down at her lap where her fingers twisted together. “I...”

Xanxus sat on the couch next to her. “Who did this?” He asked, voice becoming hoarse with rage. He picked up a hand, glaring at the bruises on her wrists. “Who the fuck did this-”

Kanna tugged her wrist out of his grasp. “It was...”

Xanxus had to lean down to hear her answer. “My teacher,” she whispered, and she began to weep openly. She leaned close to him and buried her face in his neck.

Damn, but he had to resist. Already he could feel his body reacting, and he had to think of something other than her warmth and her body-

_My damn feathers are going to get wet,_ he thought, wrapping his arms around her. It seemed like the right thing to do, and Kanna sank further into his hold, still apologising.

“There's nothing to apologise for,” he said softly. Fuck, he didn't know he could sound like that.

“What do you want me to do?”

Kanna shook her head, not knowing.

Xanxus cleared his throat. “I'll get rid of him. Do you want him dead?”

Kanna jerked back at the question, staring up at him. “What?”

“I can kill him, if you want,” Xanxus said. “Trash like him deserve it.”

Kanna rubbed at her eye. “No...You shouldn't...I don't want you to...”

“Me to what?” Xanxus asked, careful to keep his rage and lust in check.

“To waste the energy on him,” she said, and Xanxus sensed a lie.

“I'm going to kill him,” he said decisively. “I will.”

“No-!”

Xanxus pulled back his jacket to reveal his X-guns holstered. “I do it for a living,” he said. “My subordinates and I will deal with this.” He cupped her face in his hands. “He won't hurt you anymore.”

Kanna was shocked by the revelation, so much so that she couldn't protest, not even when Xanxus left, ordering her to lock the door behind her.

After a few minutes, she obeyed, silently praying that her teacher would have a quick death.

* * *

“We've got trash to teach a lesson to,” Xanxus announced. He had decided that death would be too merciful; the man deserved to be destroyed in spirit. He could already hear his screams-

“VOI! You call us here, then tell us we have a job before we have time to rest?”

“Shishishi~ The prince needs his beauty sleep.”

“As long as I get paid.”

“If the boss wants it-”

“Shut up, trash,” Xanxus said, irritated. “It's not a job.”

The officers of the elite assassination squad, each geniuses in their own right, looked confused and more than a little pissed.

“What the fuck?” Squalo asked. “All we ever do is jobs. It's either that, or try to kill each other.”

“I don't want him dead,” Xanxus snapped.

The officers each stared again, this time wondering if Xanxus was really Xanxus.

“I want him so broken he can't move. But not dead,” Xanxus continued.

And Varia agreed to it, without even knowing who for.

* * *

Xanxus could not remember his name. Nor did he care to.

The officers had all come along, partly to see the show and to see what all the fuss was over. Xanxus stood over the man on the ground, glaring downwards.

“Who are you?” He asked shakily. “I don't have any money-”

“I'm not here because of money, trash,” Xanxus said, loathing the piece of shit. “I've changed my mind. I want you _dead.”_

He turned to Belphegor. “Do what you want with him.” He jerked his thumb in his direction.

Bel grinned. “Are you sure, Boss?”

Xanxus glared again, then spat at the man's feet.

As Bel emerged from the shadows, knives out, the man started to beg.

“Do you know why you're going to die?” Xanxus asked him as Bel's knives began to cut into his skin. “Because you decided it was okay to rape Kanna. No one lays a hand on her, trash.”

The Varia elites exchanged glances as Xanxus's scars showed, his red eyes burning with a complete and utter hatred for this man.

“But I didn't,” the man pracitcally screamed. Only Mammon's illusions kept the noise down. “I swear- I didn't-”

“So?” Xanxus asked.

The man could only look up at the merciless eyes of the devil. “She got away before I could...”

Bel resumed his work, humming under his breath.

* * *

The next morning the man did not show up to work. Kanna stayed away from school just in case.

* * *

A few days later the man was discovered, his innards strewn about, his mouth wide open in a scream. The world wondered why no one had heard him scream.

Kanna sent a text asking if he was the culprit. Xanxus confirmed it.

* * *

A week later, and Xanxus showed up at Kanna's door, looking completely normal.

“You haven't been going to school” was the first thing he said when the door opened.

“Xanxus,” Kanna whispered. “You-”

“Yeah.”

Kanna hesitated, then opened the door fully. “Come in.”

Xanxus looked down at his booted feet. “Is it okay to leave my boots on?”

Kanna shrugged half-heartedly, so Xanxus left them on.

“Tea?” Kanna asked absently.

“No thank you,” Xanxus replied automatically. They sat side by side, the same as a week ago.

The silence between them was awkward.

“Why did you kill him?” Kanna asked suddenly, her eyes clear and penetrating.

Xanxus looked back at her. “I didn't. One of my subordinates did.” Xanxus rubbed the back of his neck; why was Kanna the only one who could make him feel like this? Even Decima hadn't.

Kanna frowned. Then, turning fearful, she asked, “what exactly do you do for a living?”

Xanxus shut his mouth firmly.

Kanna leaned towards him, and Xanxus was unable to resist her. “I...am the boss of the elite assassination squad, Varia. That said, we're really mafia.”

Kanna blinked, surprised. “Wait...what?”

Xanxus leaned towards her, making her draw back. He didn't stop, refused to stop, until he had wrapped his arms around her waist and put his head in her lap. She stiffened, then tried to move away.

His voice sounded broken as he told her everything. Kanna stilled beneath him, and Xanxus couldn't bear to look up at her face; he didn't want to see the rejection that would surely be there. Not again, he didn't want to be rejected again.

Once he had finished, he waited for her to tell him to get out, to-

“It must hurt.”

Xanxus jerked up in surprise, then squeezed his eyes shut. “Huh?” He twisted around to look up at her.

Kanna was smiling softly at him, and Xanxus's insides turned to mush. _Oh shit,_ he thought with trepidation. _I'm losing my normal badassery._

“I'm sorry,” she murmured.

“What for?” He asked. “You've done nothing wrong...” He reached up to touch her face, then froze inches away. There was no way he could. She'd just been attacked, for fuck's sake. He couldn't take advantage.

Kanna didn't move. “You shouldn't spend time with me.”

Xanxus, suddenly furious, bared his teeth at her. “I'll do what I like, trash.”

“I'm going to die,” Kanna protested. “You're getting too attached-”

“Then what about the shitty brat, Tsuna?” Xanxus countered. “You still spend time with him.”

“I knew him before my illness got this bad-”

Xanxus scowled. “I don't give a fuck. You think you can just give up like that?”

Kanna bowed her head, tears in her eyes. “There's no cure. Where's the point-?”

Xanxus, sitting up, stretched out his hand and ignited them in Flames. Awestruck into silence, Kanna stared at it, mesmerized.

“Your doctors don't know about Flames,” Xanxus said seriously, and Kanna couldn't help but frown.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, what the fuck am I doing. Like, XANXUS YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GUY MARRY ME-! Actually, don't, because I wouldn't be able to deal with your shit (but I still love you~)
> 
> I dunno if I've mentioned this Kanna means 'strong calm'.
> 
> Bel's a complete psycho in this, because I couldn't really see anyone else torturing...? Levi could, under Xanxus's orders, but I don't think he'd take much pleasure from it. No one else would either...So Bel it was. I can totally see him torturing a person for fun. I mean, come on, he killed his WHOLE FAMILY HE'S A NUTJOB!
> 
> But he's still adorable. (Wait wut-)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanna meets Varia, and I had a lot of fun writing this.

Xanxus took Kanna back to the hotel where Varia was staying. “They're loud,” he warned Kanna. “And rude. All-round generally crazy. Just – stay close to me, okay?”

Kanna nodded, twisting her hands anxiously. “Are you sure about this?”

“I'm always sure,” Xanxus said, puzzled. “Why wouldn't I be?”

* * *

As soon as they walked in, Squalo yelled at Xanxus, “VOI! Shitty boss, where the fuck have you been? There's still paperwork to do, and everyone's causing a shit load of trouble.”

Xanxus ignored him, sitting in his chair and pointing at the couch next to him. “Sit,” he ordered Kanna, and Squalo blinked at her.

“Who's she?” Squalo asked, then it clicked. “Oh...she's the one you...that dude we killed. Right.”

“Ushishi~ the prince can see why the Boss likes her,” Bel said, leaning over the back of the couch to look at her. Kanna blinked at the prince, then cast a look at Xanxus.

Levi handed him a glass of tequila – for once he had the right brand, and when Xanxus didn't throw it across the room, he visibly relaxed.

“Boss, who's she?” Levi asked, pointing at her. “Oh, wait, she's-”

“She's so pretty,” Lussuria sang, admiring her hair.

“Is she rich?” Mammon inquired.

_When the fuck did all these fuckers get in the fucking room?_ Xanxus thought, irritated.

“Lussuria,” Xanxus said, and Luss snapped to attention, surprised at being addressed.

“Yes, Boss?”

“Everyone else, get the fuck out,” Xanxus snarled, and even Kanna got up.

“No, Kanna, you stay,” he said. Once everyone had left, Xanxus said to Luss, “Kanna is sick. Heal her.”

Luss tilted his head, confused, but obeyed anyway. He placed his hands on her temples, his Sun Flames bursting to life. Kanna jerked back, eyes wide.

“Don't worry,” Luss assured her. “These flames heal.”

Kanna glanced at Xanxus, who had his eyes closed. Figuring that Xanxus would say something if it was dangerous, she allowed Luss to trickle his flames into her body.

“A hereditary disease?” Luss asked.

“Yes,” Kanna said feebly.

“Hmm,” Luss said. “Boss, I can probably extend her life, but...I think it's best if we Doctor Shamal and Ryohei in.”

Xanxus, opening his eyes, asked, “Who's Ryohei?”

“The boy's Sun Guardian,” Luss said cheerily.

Xanxus considered this. “I don't want to owe the brat favours,” he said reluctantly. “And Shamal's probably a bad idea, considering...”

“Of course,” Luss agreed. “But if we warn him...”

“What's he like?” Kanna interjected. “Sorry, I'm not following...”

“He's a fucking perv,” Xanxus scowled.

“And since when did I agree to this?” Kanna asked. “I told you, I've given up.”

Xanxus glowered at her. “I'm not letting you, even if I have to kill you.”

Kanna gave a dry laugh. “Excuse me? Contradiction much?”

Xanxsu stood, enraged. “Don't fucking mock me,” he threatened.

“Boss,” Luss said nervously, “Calm down.”

Distantly, Xanxus wondered if this would scare Kanna, but his fury carried him away. “I'm not letting you die,” Xanxus shouted. “I'm not letting you get away.”

The rest of Varia came running, thinking Xanxus was going to beat the shit out of some civilian. “Voi,” Squalo muttered, “He better not-”

As the door opened, Kanna stood and said firmly, “I'm not some puppet, and I'm not helpless, either. This decision is _my choice_ and I can't see a reason to keep going-”

“You don't need one,” Xanxus hissed. “Just keep trying anyway.”

Kanna glared. “I do need one.”

Xanxus sighed, and then shouted, “Then all you're doing is spitting in the faces of everyone else that's tried, trash! You can't just-”

“Don't preach at me,” Kanna spat. “I don't need some hired killer to tell me to value life-”

“I kill trash. It's completely different-”

“It is not,” Kanna countered. “All lives are equal. That's _it._ That's the way it should be, and by calling the rest of us trash you call yourself-”

“Lives are not equal,” Xanxus roared, smashing his hand down on the table. “If they were, I'd be Decimo!”

Kanna sucked in her breath and shouted back, “Not everything revolves around status.”

Both glared at each other for a moment, before they turned awayfrom each other.

“Shishishi~” Bel was grinning. “That's the first time the prince has seen Boss in an argument.”

“It's creepy,” Squalo said.

Levi was shaking in admiration. “He's brilliant,” he said. “I'm so jealous of that bitch.”

Squalo rolled his eyes. “Voi! No one wants to argue with Xanxus. I'm more surprised she's alive.”

“That's not what he meant,” Bel said to Squalo.

“Huh?” Squalo was genuinely confused. “What did he mean, then?”

He wants to be dating Xanxus,” Bel explained, then started cackling.

Squalo looke physically ill. “Who would want to date an abusive arsehole...? Is the girl sick in the head?”

“A masochist, maybe,” Luss joined in.

Kanna whipped around. “I am _not_ a masochist,” she said. “And we're not dating, either.”

“Voi! But Xanxus getting laid would probably calm him down-”

A glass of whiskey came crashing into Squalo's head, and the swordsman whipped around, screaming, “Don't fucking throw glasses at me, shitty boss!”

Xanxus only glared at him, grabbing Kanna 's arm and dragging her to the door.

Kanna tried to resist, feet scraping uselessly against the ground. Varia all watched with amusement as Xanxus left the hotel, still dragging Kanna along.

Xanxus stopped at a park because that seemed to be their thing. He took a deep breath in, turning to look at her.

Kanna looked back, calm now. “Xanxus?” She asked when he didn't say anything.

He sucked in another breath, then said, “This is going to sound really fucked up.”

Kanna tilted her head.

“I mean, we don't really know each other well, or anything, but...” Xanxus shrugged. “I love you.”

“What.”

Xanxus glared back. “It's not like I wanted to, or anything, okay?”

Kanna stared at him, stunned. “What,” she repeated. “How the- Why the-”

Xanxus looked furious with himself for saying it out loud. “Forget you heard anything, trash,” he ordered, ealking away.

Kanna ran to catch up. “You can't just say that then pretend it didn't happen,” she hissed. “Are you serious, or just trying to make me want to live?”

Xanxus stared at her incredulously. “Are _you_ serious? Do you even look in the mirror?”

“Huh?”

Xanxsu blew out. “I dunno how others see you, but to me...” He drifted off, then blushed. “Ah, never mind.”

Kanna ran a hand through her hair, looking stressed. “Why did you tell me, then?”

“Dunno,” Xanxus said vaguely. “I figured that's what the shitty brat and my brothers would have done.”

“Your brothers?” Kanna said, interested. “What were they like?”

“They were good guys,” Xanxus said.

“...The opposite of you,” Kanna said snarkily.

“That's why they're dead,” Xanxsu agreed, then frowned. “Weren't we talking about...?”

Kanna didn't smile so much as tilted the corners of her lips upwards. “Xanxus, you're still trying to keep me here.”

Xanxus's mouth twisted like he had eaten something bitter. “Of course,” he said. “I'm not losing anyone again.”

“Again?” Kanna rubbed the space between her eyebrows. “Who was before me?”

Xanxus hesitated. “Decima,” he said. “But she's married asnd has kids.”

Kanna's shoulders slumped. “You mean...that was eight years ago?”

Xanxus looked torn, reaching out to brush her hair. “I...”

“It's okay,” Kanna said. “You don't have to tell me.” She let him touch her hair. “It doesn't bother me, and I'm going to die anyway-”

“Don't talk like that,” Xanxus said angrily, cutting her off. “Please, just – don't.”

Kanna stared back at him, and for the first time since meeting him, she thought, _My god, he's really attactive._

Attractive, not handsome, because saying he was handsome was like admitting she actually _liked_ him. But she didn't, she couldn't, and when it came to Xanxus she must be objective.

* * *

Squalo noted the change in Xanxus as inevitable. After all, he was a heterosexual man with needs – his lust for Kanna was normal, natural.

He only ever thought that when he was either trying to convince himself of something or when he forgot that his shitty boss was a monster.

Because Squalo knew that Kanna was the only person Xanxus ever cared about, ever thought about. Squalo had done some digging, had discovered about the woman named Decima, and knew that Xanxus was probably broken over the concept of 'love'. He knew about the way his mother had treated him, and the pain Xanxus felt when he found out about his true parentage. Squalo knew about just how much Xanxus had cared for his brothers - although he tried to deny it - and how traumatised he had been after hearing about their deaths when he was unfrozen. It meant that insanity was probable, Xanxus would wind up the same as his mother.

Squalo also managed to infer that Xanxus loved Kanna, and that scared him. His boss, strong and tall and proud and abusive and a complete arsehole, loved a woman to the point where he could not lay a finger on her, in fear of losing her.

No one could harm her, and that made Squalo remember the time Belphegor had fantasized out loud about cutting her.

“Voi,” Squalo had hissed at him, “Shut the fuck up-”

“Trash,” Xanxus spoke from behind them, and both of them whipped around.

“Boss?” Bel asked nervously, instinctively sensing danger.

“How dare you,” Xanxus practically screamed, ramming his foot into Bel's gut. Bel stumbled back, grimacing, regretting ever talking about Kanna. When Xanxus raised his boot again, Squalo threw himself between them.

“Voi,” Squalo shouted. “Boss, I'll make sure he doesn't do it again, okay? No one's gonna hurt her-”

Xanxus shoved him into the wall. “You better,” Xanxus threatened. “Or I'll replace every fucking officer in Varia.”

* * *

Xanxus found the courage to take Kanna out on a date, sneaking out of the hotel and evading his subordinates. While each member of Varia knew precisely where he was going, none dared to follow him after the episode with Bel.

Having no clue as to what the fuck people do on dates, he let Kanna take the lead.

“What do you want to eat?” She asked him.

“Steak and whiskey,” Xanxus said immediately. Kanna wrinkled her nose, and Xanxus said hastily, “But I'm fine with anything.” _Only for you,_ he wanted to add, but that was too far too fast.

Kanna considered it. “Wait, why am I doing the thinking? Isn't it normally the man that decides?”

Xanxus shrugged helplessly. “I've never been on a date...”

Kanna glanced at him involuntarily. “You mean...”

“I'm not a virgin,” Xanxus said defensively. “Just not 'dated' like...you people do.”

Kanna didn't smile, but she still seemed to derive amusement from Xanxus's flailing. “I've only been on one,” Kanna said. “And that was a disaster.”

* * *

They barely touched throughout the entire night, Xanxus having to beat himself mentally. His hand kept twitching towards her, only for him to rein himself back, again and again and again.

Xanxus walked her to her door, and god he felt like a cliché. He was a walking, talking, fucking cliché piece of trash-

“Stop thinking like that,” Kanna said.

Xanxus blinked at her. “What makes you think that?”

Kanna rolled her eyes. “That look on your face. You feel like a cliché.”

Xanxus scowled. “That's creepy. Don't.”

Kanna smiled sarcastically. “But it just comes with the territory.”

Xanxus frowned, wondering what territory-

Kanna reached up and pulled him into a kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't recall Luss and Xanxus ever interacting much - it's normally Luss chatting away and Xanxus ignoring him (I think). I'm nut sure about the limits of Sun Flames, so in this it can extend her life.
> 
> And yes, I do believe Levi has a huge crush on Xanxus.
> 
> Also, Xanxus is being this...nice?...because I don't think he's a jerk all the time. We've really only seen him with people who annoy him, or those that have hurt him...(Resents Tsuna for taking the title of Decimo, Timoteo for betraying him, Squalo and the rest of Varia annoying him...etc...)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This nearly became smut, but I pulled myself back.

Xanxus could barely focus the next day. He stared blankly down at the sheets of paper as Squalo kept piling them up. By the fifth load, he said, “Voi, why aren't you doing any work?”

Xanxus didn't hear him, twirling the pen in his fingers.

“VOI! Shitty boss! I know your date went well, but really, do the fucking work.”

Xanxus, broken out of his reverie, glared at him. “Shut up, shitty shark.”

“At least I'm doing my job,” Squalo countered.

Xanxus sighed. “Are normal people like this?”

Squalo shrugged. “You're asking the wrong guy.”

Xanxus drained the tequila bottle on his desk. “Then find out,” he said irritably.

Squalo blinked. “I don't know anyone normal.”

Xanxus sighed again. “Then I guess I have to...” He trailed away. “I'll get to work now.”

As Squalo walked away, he let out the shudder he had been supressing. Xanxus was acting damn weird.

And the Boss of Varia finished his work in record timing, so he could see Nana Sawada for advice (which was as surprising to him as it was to Squalo).

* * *

Nana beamed at him throughout the whole story. When Xanxus had finished, Nana clapped her hands. “That sounds wonderful,” she gushed. “Oh, Xanxus, you're definitely doing it right. That's so _kind_ of you...”

_One way of looking at it,_ Xanxus thought. “But is it normal?” He asked, wondering if all this stress was going to make him lose his hair. Probably not; his future self still had a full head.

“Of course,” Nana said kindly, picking up on Xanxus's anxiety. “To be honest, Iemitsu was all over me on our first date.” She laughed at the memory. “I didn't mind, though.”

Xanxus shifted in his seat uncomfortably as Tsuna called out, “I'm home!”

Nana stood and began to bustle about; why did she work so hard? Why was she so dedicated?

“Hi, Xanxus,” Tsuna said, looking unbelievably nervous. It was first time he had greeted him like that, and even Nana noticed.

“Sh- Tsuna,” Xanxus corrected himself, unable to bring himself to say 'hello'. Reborn raised his eyebrows at Tsuna, who glanced back at his tutor.

“Did you hear?” Nana asked Tsuna eagerly.

“Hear what?”

“Xanxus went on a date with Kanna,” Nana said excitedly, not noticing Xanxus's mood darkening.

“Oh, r-really?” Tsuna stammered. “That's...nice?”

Xanxus rolled his eyes. “Don't strain yourself.” _Trash._

“I-I'm not. As long as you're both happy, it's fine.”

Xanxus sighed through his nose. He didn't understand that sort of kindness. It was unnatural, weak. No good mafia boss should display that sort of emotion; after all, they weren't in the goddamn Godfather or anything.

* * *

Kanna always had to take the first step, because Xanxus didn't trust himself. He had already confirmed that she was still a virgin – not that it mattered; Xanxus was good enough to make her feel like a virgin and make her forget about any other man. He could barely wait for the day when she dragged him into bed-

Which occurred on their third date. Kanna lead him into the apartment, whispering, “My parents aren't due home for another three days.”

Xanxus let himself be lead to her bedroom, wondering if he should take it slow. _Just this once, I'll let her take the lead._

* * *

Xanxus woke with her in his arms, and he never wanted to leave. He gazed down at her, remembering how she traced his scars, and arced her body, and the way she tasted-

Kanna smiled up at him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Good morning," she murmured, and Xanxus only gazed down at her. Kanna's eyes slid closed again. Then Xanxus frowned, his instinct telling him something was wrong.

When they heard the noise down below, they both froze. Kanna's eyes snapped open and they stared at each other in horror. "Kanna?" A woman's voice called up. "Are you up?"

“It's my parents,” Kanna hissed, eyes wide with panic. "Why are they home?"

“Do you want me to kill them?” Xanxus asked, only half-joking.

Kanna whacked him on the arm. “No,” Kanna whispered. “Can you leave out the window?”

Xanxus gazed at her longingly. “If we go one more time...”

“No,” Kanna said firmly, pulling up the blankets to cover herself. Xanxus tugged them down, and Kanna slapped his hands away. “Please,” she pleaded with him.

Xanxus looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “I'll see you later,” he promised.

Kanna had to cover the bite marks Xanxus had left behind, slowly and carefully. She wondered if this was normal.

* * *

The ice was around Xanxus again, suffocating, smothering, choking. He could not hear and yet the roar in his ears did not fade. He could not feel anything but the cold that bit into his skin. He wondered if he would scar. He didn't want to, didn't want the permanent reminder of this pain-

He wondered how long he had been there.

A year? Ten years? An eternity?

_Save me,_ he begged the world. _I'm sorry._ He regretted everything, every action, every reaction.

But that soon evaporated into fury. Fury and hate, because those were the only two things that could give life-

“Mother,” he murmured. “Why did you give birth to me?” Still half-asleep, he rolled over and shoved his sheets aside. He was crying. His abused body was screaming in pain, and his heart was slowly deadening.

As he forced himself awake, he wanted to see Kanna. That was it. He stumbled out of bed, reaching for another bottle of whiskey. He slumped against his desk, legs stretched out on the floor. He managed to get through three bottles before Squalo walked in. His second-in-command halted, then hissed air through his teeth. He shut the door, dumped the paperwork on his desk, then snatched the fourth whiskey bottle from his boss.

“Voi,” he whisper-shrieked. “What the fuck are you doing? It's eight in the morning.”

Xanxus glared up at him. “Getting drunk.”

Squalo rubbed at the space between his eyebrows, despairing. “I get that you're fucked in the head, but there's no need to make it _worse.”_

Xanxus snorted, grabbing the bottle and draining. Squalo watched the liquid disappear down his throat. When he had done, Xanxus wiped his mouth and spat out, “How else am I supposed to get through the fucking day with you shits? Kanna's in school, you're all trash, and my scars fucking hurt.”

_Scars,_ Squalo thought. He had more scars on his soul than his heart. “Then go to a counsellor,” Squalo snapped. “And when are we going back to Italy?”

Xanxus grunted.

“At least do the paperwork,” Squalo argued, slamming his metal hand on the desk. “Shitty boss, you weren't like this in the future.”

Xanxus suddenly sobered, standing. “I wasn't married,” he said distantly. “Is my future without her?”

And that was when Squalo saw through Xanxus's act, and realised that _everything_ was bothering him. Dammit, but he wasn't cut out for this. Channeling his inner Dino (Christ, he never thought he would ever think that), he said, as gently as he could manage, “That was just one possibility.”

Xanxus smirked. “Feeling pity?”

Squalo grimaced. “Not for a spoiled brat like you. But still. You see my point?”

“Yeah,” Xanxus groaned. “I still wanna marry her though.”

Squalo stiffened, and Xanxus laughed at him. “Don't like the idea?” Xanxus taunted. “Then I'll propose just to piss you off.”

“Voi,” Squalo shouted, “you get some bloody stupid ideas in that head of yours.” Squalo was waving his sword arm around, forgetting that he was wearing a normal prosthetic and not his weapon one. “If you think we'll let this happen-”

“Yes, you will, trash,” Xanxus was grinning, and Squalo felt a shudder go down his spine.

“Don't be ridiculous,” he managed to say.

“You'll let me,” Xanxus said, and this time he wasn't joking around. Squalo felt, down to his core, that if anyone stood in his way they would die. It was as simple as that.

“I will,” Squalo agreed, feeling sick.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: NORMAL PEOPLE CAN NOT DRINK THREE BOTTLES OF WHISKEY IN ONE GO! So if anyone gets the idea...don't. That's called alcohol poisoning, and Xanxus gets away with it because he's Xanxus.


	11. Chapter 11

“I fucked up,” Xanxus groaned into the table, hands curled around his cup of green tea.

Nana looked concerned. “Why do you think that?”

“I just told Squalo I would propose to Kanna.”

Nana gasped, and Xanxus wanted to sink even further into the table. “For fuck's sake,” he moaned in Italian, “How pathetic can I _look?_ I'll end up losing Varia at this rate...”

Nana, hearing the distress but not understanding his words, patted his hand, and for once Xanxus didn't hate the contact. “I'm sure it'll be fine,” Nana said soothingly. “They'll be glad to know their boss is human.”

“No, they won't, because I'm their boss.”

Nana frowned. “That doesn't make sense.”

Xanxus sighed, then propped his chin in his hand. “The whole reason why I'm Varia boss is because I'm...monstrous.”

“As in...inhuman? In terms of ability, you mean?”

“Exactly. Each of my subordinates are monsters in their own right, so in order for me to lead them...” Xanxus gave a shrug, letting Nana fill in the gaps.

“Ah.” It clicked in the woman's brain. “But aside from your vanity, isn't it good you want to marry Kanna? It shows you're serious.”

Xanxus scowled. “I'm twenty-four, and an assassin. She's sixteen and in high school. Not exactly appropriate.”

Nana laughed, and kept laughing.

“Why is it funny?” Xanxus asked, irritated. He craved whiskey as he watched her try to shake it off.

“They way you put it. You sound like you have morals.”

“I do have morals,” Xanxus said, wondering what she was getting at.

“But you just said you're an assassin,” Nana giggled. “And you're claiming morals.”

 _Oh, shit._ He had slipped up. He hadn't meant for Nana to find out, and now the shitty brat would freeze him again-

“You have nothing to worry about,” Nana was saying, but the roar in his ears was drowning her out. “Even so-called monsters deserve love.”

 _Play it cool,_ Xanxus told himself frantically, feeling sick. “I was joking,” he managed to say. “I'm not an assassin.”

“Oh?” Nana raised an eyebrow sceptically. “Then why did you say...?”

“It's a nickname for my company,” he said dismissively, hiding the fear in his eyes.

Nana beamed at him. “What a grisly nickname.”

“Yeah,” Xanxus agreed blindly. “But should I propose?”

Nana was still smiling when she said, “Shouldn't you meet her parents?”

* * *

He had a new nightmare. Now, he wasn't in the ice, but Tsunayoshi was standing in front of him, hands outstretched, eyes wide. He was coming closer and closer. _“Timoteo didn't love you,_ ” he whispered. _“Your mother didn't. Your brothers didn't. Kanna doesn't care about you. You're alone._ ”

The ice was climbing up his arms, and this time Squalo stood by, sneering down at him. _“You're useless,”_ he hissed at his boss.

Xanxus was screaming, frightened by the cold and the ice and oh god he didn't want to go back-

“ _Tsuna. Please, I'll work for you, don't make me go back,_ ” Xanxus cried out, and hs smashed his hands against his legs in desperation. He curled in on himself, begging the ice to stop. His Flames, the flames that had got him food and warmth and safety, they wouldn't light, wouldn't ignite-

And Xanxus woke, his scars burning. He had been crying, and as he sat up he rubbed at his eyes. “Kanna,” he murmured.

* * *

This time, it was Lussuria who found him drinking, surrounded by ten bottles of tequila.

“Boss,” he said, genuinely shocked. “You shouldn't be drinking at seven in the morning...”

Xanxus scowled at the okama. “I can do what I want,” and he was shocked when his words came out slurred.

“Dear me, boss,” Luss said, hand on cheek. “You're a mess. I can heal-”

“Fuck off,” Xanxus snarled, getting on his feet and wobbling slightly. “I'm fine...” He nearly fell over, and leaned on the wall for support. “I'm fine,” he repeated, trying to convince himself. “Everything's...” he looked around himself drunkenly. “Still here?” He asked Luss.

“Boss, I think you should cut back on the drinking,” Luss said, truly concerned about Xanxus's well-being.

Xanxus felt an irrational rage rise in his throat. “Fucking scum,” he shouted at the man. “You tryna' get rid of me? You think you can?” He pulled out an X-Gun, hand trembling. “I'll fucking blow you away, _you piece of shit!_ ”

Squalo and Mammon ended up slamming open the door, thinking Lussuria was in serious danger (which he was).

“VOI! Boss, don't do it-” Squalo tried to drag Lussuria away from the danger, but Xanxus drew his other and pointed it at Squalo. The swordsman froze, knowing he could not beat Xanxus. No one could, except maybe Tsuna, but getting him to deal with the situation was like adding a fuck-ton of gasoline to this wildfire.

His mind raced as he sought a solution. He glanced at the door, gesturing to Mammon to call Kanna and miming payment. Mammon seemed to understand and floated off.

“Boss,” Lussuria said fearfully, “I wasn't suggesting-”

Xanxus fired, and it was only by the good grace of god that they managed to duck in time, Lussuria's hair getting singed. One wall of the building was completely destroyed, and Squalo nearly wailed because dammit they didn't have the budget for this shit.

“VOI! Boss, calm the fuck down-”

And Xanxus kicked out at Squalo's head, and Squalo managed to move away just in time. “Mammon's gonna call Kanna,” Squalo yelled as he dragged Lussuria backwards towards the door. “So, just don't kill us, okay?”

Xanxus snarled something at them, aiming again, and Squalo swore viciously, escaping and slamming the door shut.

Much to everyone's relief, Xanxus didn't emerge from his office, but they could hear the sound of glass breaking. There were ten of them, and Squalo guessed it was the bottles being broken.

“Muu, I better be getting paid a lot for this,” Mammon said from behind him. And behind the Arcobaleno, looking sleepy and yet oh-so-pretty, was Kanna.

“What is it?” Kanna asked. “Mammon didn't give details.”

“I said something to piss the boss off,” Lussuria said worriedly, feeling guilty. “I didn't mean to-”

“Voi, we know,” Squalo said. “It's just the boss. But he's not normally this bad,” Squalo explained hurriedly to Kanna. “Just, you're probably the only one who can help.”

Kanna gave him a droll look. “So you send in his girlfriend, whose combat experience consists of hair-pulling in first grade and is liable to drop dead at any given moment?” Kanna mimed shooting him with her hand. “Gotcha.”

“Are you normally like this?”

“Only on Monday mornings. I have school to get to,” Kanna said pointedly.

Squalo rolled his eyes, guiding her to Xanxus's office. “Most people want to get out of school. And good luck,” he added, shoving Kanna in the room and closing the door behind her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, Xanxus's office and bedroom are NOT the same room - they're connected by a door. And he uses his office as a booze-storage area as well XD


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this is backstory. Made up, but real character s (mostly)

Xanxus was surrounded by broken glass, and floor was smeared with blood, like he had smashed his fists against the floor. He was slumped against his desk, glaring at the wall, arms limp beside him.

Scrap that. He had been; his hands were a wreck.

“Xanxus?” Kanna asked nervously, sensing his instability.

He looked up at her, and that look sent shudders down her spine. Scars were sprawled across his face, his red eyes barely containing the contempt-

“Kanna,” he said nonchalantly. “Sorry about the mess.”

“It's fine,” she said uneasily. “Squalo called me...”

Xanxus glowered at the ground. “That shitty shark.”

“I''m glad he did,” Kanna said, moving to sit beside him. Xanxus brushed the glass away, clearing a spot for her. He wrapped an arm around as she came closer, burying his face in her neck. “You shouldn't be,” he snarled at her.

Kanna rolled her eyes. “You're such an arsehole.”

“Hmm.” Xanxus curled himself around her _,_ loving the warmth of her body. Kanna sighed, then, patting his hand, said, “Why did you lose it?”

Xanxus stiffened. “I thought...they were going to get rid of me.”

Kanna looked sharply at him. “You're joking.”

Xanxus shook his head. “Shit, I'm going downhill.” _I'm becoming my mother,_ he thought bitterly.

There was a pause, and then: “Marry me,” Xanxus blurted out.

Kanna, stunned by this, only gaped at him. Xanxus took this as a rejection and felt that bitter rage rise in him again. He let go of her and slumped again, dragging another bottle towards him.

“Why?” She whisper-shrieked, sounding uncannily like Squalo.

Xanxus winced. “Don't sound like the shitty shark.”

“Are you for real?” Kanna hissed at him, clutching his arm. “Why would anyone want to marry me?”

“I told you before. Don't make me say it again.”

“Say what?”

“You _know_ what. You know, when I said I wanted you to keep living...”

“Wait – you mean -”

“Yes.”

“But then-”

“Yup.” Xanxus nodded once, somewhat drunkenly. His mind was so fuzzy that he didn't feel any embarasment when he said, “I love you, so I want you to be by my side forever.”

Kanna flushed, looking away.

“Doesn't have to be now, now,” Xanxus continued, struggling to form sentences. “But, y'know, s'would be good to get engaged, with a ring...” He didn't realise he had switched to his old Italian dialect as he spoke, so Kanna had no idea what he was saying. “An' then everyone else would be there too, and I could throw glasses at Squalo's head and score points.” Then he laughed loudly, which Varia took as a cue to come in.

when the door opened, they found a shell-shocked Kanna staring blankly at Xanxus, who had resumed guzzling his tequila and was still musing the wedding over in Italian.

“What's he saying?” She asked Squalo as he approached.

“Voi,” Squalo said irritably, “I don't really know. It's dialect, his native one, I think. But damn he's drunk. I haven't seen him like this since that time he got wasted after being frozen.”

Kanna blinked. “He got drunk?”

Squalo shot a look at her. “Of course. It's his go-to.”

Kanna sighed again, wondering what the hell she had got herself into. She tugged at her – fiance's? - arm, leading him to the bed. He was so out of it he didn't even try to get her to join him, and didn't stir when she left quietly.

* * *

“ _You're the Vongola boss's son. That makes you special,_ ” his mother had said, and Xanxus had clung to those words.

“ _You're going to go places,”_ she had said, but then eventually Xanxus had to wonder what sort of father would leave his son like this. Xanxus chose to ignore his mother's insanity, chose to overlook the strange men and the sneers he got for being illegitimate and he survived. The starving and the rumours and everything, and he was strong so mother why-

“ _I love you,”_ his mother had said, and his hands were begin frozen.

“ _Help me,”_ he begged, but his mother turned away.

Swtich scenes, back to his memories and away from the world of nightmares.

He was seven again, and rummaging through the trash in the gutter. He stuck his hand in, glancing around to make sure no one was watching. His hands touched metal, and he eagerly grabbed at it. A coin – and now he had enough to buy some food. He was sick of having to steal, but now he could-

and had enough left over for sweets-

“I hate sweet things,” he told himself outside the candy store, but that was a lie.

“I hate them,” he whispered as he opened the door. And he spent his precious money on it, carefully hiding it in his clothing.

When the Ninth had been there, his mother introducing them, Xanxus felt awe at this man who had a meal every day, who didn't have to hide his candy from his mother.

On the car ride back to their headquarters, Xanxus asked Timoteo, “How often do you eat?”

Timoteo hid his surprise, but Xanxus still sensed it. “Three meals a day,” Timoteo said, smiling, and Xanxus choked down his flash of hatred. “You'll be eating like that too,” Timoteo had said, and Xanxus felt a flash of triumph over his peers. He was doing it, he was succeeding – he may have been a bastard, but he wasn't going to let that stop him.

He was going to live up to expectations-

“These are my sons, Enrico, Massimo, and Frederico,” Timoteo said, gesturing to each in turn. They each nodded at him, Enrico flashing a smile. Xanxus stared back distrustfully, wondering when they were going to corner him.

“Hey,” Enrico said, running a hand through his hair. “Welcome to Vongola.”

Xanxus stared up at him.

“Yeah,” Massimo gestured around the hallway, face comically blank. “Welcome to the mafia. Where the main attraction is your untimely death.”

Frederico whacked Massimo on the shoulder, and Xanxus forced his body still. They wouldn't hurt him, surely-

And Enrico reached out to grab Xanxus, unaware-

And Xanxus lashed out instinctively, his Flames roaring to life. He leaped backwards, nearly colliding with the wall, hands in front of him. In one was his Flame, in the other a knife he had hid in the same moment his mother had forced into these stuffy clothes.

“Xanxus?” Enrico asked in disbelief.

Xanxus snarled at them, eyes wild.

“We're not going to hurt you,” Frederico said, almost as shocked as Enrico.

Massimo frowned, then told his brothers, “Don't get any closer. Give him space.”

The other two obeyed, glancing at each other as Massimo held up his hands in surrender. “I'll give you 10 Euros to stop the flames.” He ignored the knife.

Xanxus considered this. “Give me the money first, trash,” he demanded.

Massimo pulled out his wallet and placed the notes on the ground, stepping back.

“Get back further,” Xanxus demanded. Massimo took three more steps back.

Xanxus inched forwards warily, studying each in turn. He darted ahead, scooping it up, then smothered his Flames. He shoved the money in one of his inner pockets, the knife still out.

“I'll give you ten more to put the knife away,” Massimo offered.

Xanxus snorted in derision. “Are you fucking stupid, scum? I ain't puttin' it away for _anything._ ”

_Paranoia,_ Massimo thought.

“It's not paranoia if it's real,” Xanxus shot at him, startling Massimo.

* * *

When he found out they ate well, full meals every day, the chefs on their every whim, Xanxus was aghast.

“I can have whatever I want?” Xanxus asked the chef incredulously.

“Yes, sir,” he said nervously, wringing his hands.

“Of course,” Massimo said with a shrug. “We aren't going to starve you.”

“Even...streak?”

“Yes, sir.”

“But it's so expensive,” Xanxus protested. “I have to hide the money from Mother for _weeks_ before I can afford it.”

Massimo frowned. “Hide money? Why?”

Xanxus stared up at Massimo, shocked. “What do you mean? Doesn't your ma spend all the money on drugs?”

And Massimo looked sick, and said, “no,” and looked away, rubbing his neck-

* * *

And a few days later he was in his (really big and probably expensive) bedroom, peeling open his candy. He placed one in his mouth-

“Whatcha got there?” Enrico said from beside him, and Xanxus jumped away from him, shoving the bag behind him and igniting his flames.

“It's mine,” he said threateningly, and Enrico sighed. “Learn to trust us,” he scolded. “We aren't bad guys.”

Xanxus glared. “You're mafia.”

“So are you.”

“I'm not claiming I'm trustworthy,” Xanxus pointed out with a jap of his knife.

Enrico rubbed at his eyes. “We're not here to attack you,.”

But Xanxus had called him a liar and ordered him to leave-

* * *

And Xanxus woke, crying. “Dammit,” he sniffled, his raging hangover slowing his thinking. He rolled over, remembering Kanna's soft voice putting him to sleep.

“Enrico,” he sobbed. “Massimo, Frederico, I'm sorry...I-” He cut himself off, nails digging into palms. “I'll be the strongest,” he hissed at the ceiling, and he chained all this sadness and shaped into fury and hate and love for Kanna and ambition. “I'll protect Kanna, and then I'll make sure I'm happy. Because that's what you said, Massimo.”

Xanxus closed his eyes again, missing his brothers but never willing to admit it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He says trash at early age as a coping mechanism/instilling confidence in himself by looking down on others. (In this, anyway)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES A LONGER CHAPTER-

Of course Xanxus was fucked in the head. You would be too if your mother was an insane bitch that ditched you and ran, your father – oh, sorry, 'father' – lied to you for eight years before freezing you solid, and after being defrosted finding out your kind and caring adoptive brothers who accepted all your flaws were six feet under and some shitty brat was their replacement.

 _One_ of those things were unbearable, and yet the Power That Be decided to shitpost in Xanxus's life and make him miserable.

Xanxus threw a bottle of tequila at the wall. Alcohol was a drug, and his mother always had drugs. but Xanxus couldn't resist the urge. “Bring me more booze, trash,” he shouted into the air.

In a minute flat Levi came running with five bottles of each, one of Bel's knives sticking out of his back. “Boss,” he panted. “Here you go.”

Xanxus pointed down at the desk expectantly. Levi set them down carefully then hovered at his side. “Is it the good stuff?”

“Yes, boss,” Levi said eagerly.

Xanxus waved his hand in dismissal, and Levi practically flew out the door. He pulled his landline closer to him then dialed Kanna's number.

“ _Xanxus,_ ” she greeted him.

“So we're engaged, right?”

“... _Yes.”_

“Good. That's all.”

“... _All right then. See you later?”_

“Yeah. Your parents home?”

“... _Yes...?”_

“I want to meet them.”

“ _...Xanxus...Don't do anything stupid, please? And don't say you're my fiance, please.”_

Xanxus smirked. “That sounded like begging.”

“ _It was._ ”

“...Fine, for you, I won't. See you.” Without waiting for any further reply he hung up.

He had had another nightmare, this time about Mammon encasing him in ice and telling him he was unworthy to be Decimo. Bel's laugh had rung out, and Squalo had said, _“I was never loyal to you in the first place.”_ He needed to get away or he was going to lose his shit.

* * *

“I'm engaged,” he said shortly as soon as he sat down.

Nana nearly spat out her tea. “Engaged? To Kanna?!”

“Yes.”

“That's great,” she squealed, clapping her hands. “Ohmigosh, what sort of wedding are you planning?”

“I haven't even met her parents,” Xanxus said irritably. “I don't know yet.”

But Nana was off dreaming out loud, and Xanxus resigned himself to hearing this for the next hour.

When Tsuna walked in, home from school, he shrieked at the sight of Xanxus. “Trash, stop doing that. I like being able to hear,” Xanxus snapped at him.

“Ciaossu,” Reborn said to Xanxus, who curtly nodded back. _Let's not piss off the number one hitman._

“Tsu-kun, you're home,” Nana said happily, handing him a plate full of food. Xanxus shifted uncomfortably, then asked, “Nana, why do you always give the sh- Tsuna food?”

Nana blinked at him, puzzled. “Why wouldn't I?”

“But...Doesn't it cost a lot?”

Tsuna and Reborn seemed to know where this stemmed from and sat quietly. Xanxus thanked fate his other guardians weren't here right now.

Nana laughed. “No, my husband has a good job.” _Dunno about that,_ Xanxus thought as Nana continued: “And Tsu-kun is a growing boy, and he deserves the best.”

Xanxus frowned. “But growing doesn't require that much energy, and let's face it...He's not the best student.” Xanxus decided to be mild about this subject, and was surprised at how _tactful_ he sounded. Xanxus didn't have tact, and yet here he was.

Nana's smile faded as she put a finger on her chin. “I suppose, it's because he's my son?”

Tsuna edged forwards on his seat, seeing Xanxus become increasingly agitated. “So mothers inherently love their sons?”

Nana gazed back at him, suddenly full pf pity. “Oh, Xanxus...”

Xanxus gritted his teeth, then stood. “I have to go now,” he said, forcing out the words. “I'll see you later.”

He barely heard their replies as he left, angry that some useless brat had a good life while he was handed all the shit.

* * *

“He's troubled, that one is,” Nana said sadly. “It's a pity, really, because he's such a nice boy.”

Tsuna gaped at his mother. “Mum, he's not,” he protested. “He's violent, and he...he _hurt_ you, ma, you can't be serious-”

“But it was out of concern for me,” Nana pointed out. “It looks like he didn't know his mother, or something, and he's on bad terms with his father. He's mentioned to me that his brothers were dead, and there's trouble at work as well.” Nana sighed, watching the door as if she was willing Xanxus to come back. “I hope he finds happiness with Kanna.”

* * *

Kanna met Xanxus on the corner of the street she lived on, fiddling with a button on her jacket. “You're here,” she said nervously.

“I am,” Xanxus agreed, locking the car.

Kanna looked behind her, towards her house. He admired the curve of her neck, and the way her hair fell over her shoulders-

“Do I have something on my face?” Kanna asked Xanxus, noticing his gaze. She rubbed at her cheeks. “I'm so nervous. I hope they like you.” Then she looked at Xanxus. “But that's impossible. Actually, I hope you don't kill them and I hope to god they can tolerate your existence.”

Xanxus shrugged. “That sounds best-case.”

Kanna nodded. “I know. There's maybe a zero-point-zero-one chance of that happening?”

“Less.”

Kanna breathed out, then took his hand in hers. “Then let's do this.”

And Xanxus felt the same fear he felt when Tsuna froze him. He had hoped he wouldn't ever feel this way again; but this time, he had hope for a better future.

* * *

The mother, Keiko, was uncannily like Kanna, only she was sterner and generally more angry-looking. She had her arms crossed, glaring at Xanxus as though he was a criminal – which he was, but that wasn't the point. The father, Kaito, had his hands behind his back, looking grim. Both were wearing suits.

Xanxus faced them, and wished he could draw his X-Guns.

“Mother, Father,” Kanna said formally, “This is Xanxus. My boyfriend.”

Xanxus swallowed a laugh and stood awkwardly, feeling out of place in his Varia uniform (which was his most comfortable clothing). He was now cursing his own short-sightedness; why the hell hadn't he asked Kanna about what to say? What to do?

Keiko and Kaito eyeed him critically. “What's your occupation?” Keiko asked.

“I'm in management,” Xanxus said. He felt a wave of relief flood from Kanna.

“What industry?”

“Gun manufacturing,” Xanxus said. Well, it was his hobby, anyway.

Keiko arced an eyebrow. “We're pacifists.”

Xanxus snorted. “So says the army medals on your wall.”

Keiko glanced at the framed medals in the corner of the room, behind Xanxus. She narrowed her eyes. “How did you know they were there?”

Xanxus rolled his eyes. “I looked at them.” He had to surppress his urge to say 'trash'.

“Observant,” Keiko said in a tone that implied she didn't believe him. “Where did you gain schooling?”

“I had private tutors. I got my law degree from the University of Bologna.” Bullshit, of course. His private tutors were _mafioso_ and his degree was entirely fake. Although, being a professional assassin did involve intensive study of international laws, mostly to find loopholes.

Keiko looked at Kaito. Kanna's father cleared his throat and asked, somewhat sheepishly, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Xanxus was taken back. He thought about it seriously, then replied, “I want to be the boss.” _Of Vongola._

Kaito tilted his head. “Does Kanna know?”

Xanxus frowned, waiting for the shitty old man to elaborate.

“That you're mafia?”  

Xanxus's hand went instinctively to his holster as he glared at Kaito, but Keiko and Kaito looked calmly back. Kanna clutched Xanxus's arm, silently asking him why her parents knew about the mafia.

“That reaction means we were right,” Kaito observed, and Keiko clicked her tongue. “We've been to Italy, and heard rumours about a certain Xanxus being completely feared in the underworld.”

Xanxus scowled. “I'm not _that_ bad,” he said before he could stop himself.

Keiko slammed her foot on the ground, and Xanxus thought she would probably by a Storm, all unpredicatability and uncontrollable. “You are not dragging our daughter into the criminal world,” she said icily.

Kaito smoothed back his hair, and Xanxus decided he would be a Lightning, striking out of nowhere. “We will oppose it,” Kaito said, voice sleek. “We may not be mafia, but we have connections.”

“Like what?” Xanxus asked. “You can't stop me, you don't have the power.” He unholstered his X-Guns and spun them around his fingers, smirking.

“Xanxus, don't,” Kanna pleaded. “And Mother, Father, even if you forbid it now, I'll just marry him later.”

Kaito and Keiko exchanged glances, noting the use of 'marry'. “Name one benefit that comes from this marriage,” Keiko demanded, hands on hips.

Kanna and Xanxus exchanged glances. “I'll live for about twenty more years,” Kanna volunteered.

Keiko's eyebrows shot up in disbelief, but Kaito looked hopeful. “How?”

Xanxus's intuition told him that they had won – there's no way these parents would turn down this chance. “Do you know about Sun Flames?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeh Xanxus you angsty son of a bitch-
> 
> But right now I'm feeling sorry for Levi so maybe I'll write a one-shot that's got him with some cute girl XD (Though if it's part of this series then it'll have to be sad...)


	14. Chapter 14

Xanxus, for all his flaws, did have self-awareness. He knew he was – quite frankly – an arsehole, an alcoholic, prone to violence, arrogant, and just that guy you avoid at a party. If you even show up.

So, when he stood before Kaito and Keiko, seeing the hope beaming from their eyes as he explained Flames (with demonstrations), silently resenting their stupidity, he knew that once Kanna was cured they would reject him and find a more _suitable_ husband.

They exchanged glances, and Xanxus wondered why Kanna didn't know they were probably Yakuza. The way they stood and acted and talked screamed _gangster._

“So this Lussuria is capable of doing this?”

Xanxus didn't reply, so Kanna jumped in. “Yes,” she said smoothly, and damn she was brave for standing so close to him. “He's done it before.”

Keiko clenched her fists. “You mean you've associated with Varia before?”

Xanxus snarled right back, “I can keep my subordinates in line, trash.”

Keiko bristled at his words. “At least I don't lead coups for fun-”

“-It was my rightful inheritance-”

“-And at least I respect authority-”

“-I outrank you, trash, and I don't see any-”

Kaito held out his hands placatingly. “Calm down,” he told his wife gently. “Don't cause a fuss.”

Kanna grabbed at his hand as Xanxus reached for his X-Gun again (he had put them away during the explanation). “Xanxus,” she said in a low voice, “I said I wanted everyone to come out of this alive.”

Xanxus looked at her in surprise. “I haven't even fired-”

Kanna cast him a warning look. Xanxus didn't blush, but he did look embarrassed as he looked away and muttered, “I'll try not to argue.”

Keiko inhaled deeply before saying, “Fine, if this is the lifestyle my daughter wants, I will respect that.”

Xanxus exhaled. “I'll acknowledge Keiko's opinion,” Xanxus said coldly. Everyone decided that this was enough for the night.

* * *

“So? How'd it go?”

“Like a shoujo manga.”

Varia blinked at Xanxus collectively, surprised he had even deigned to respond. “Is that good or bad?” Squalo asked.

“Boss reads shoujo manga?”

“I think it's more surprising that he admitted it, shishi-”

“I can't even imagine what the boss would look like reading any form of manga,” Lussuria mused.

“It'd probably be more gory,” Mammon put in unexpectedly. Everyone looked at him.

“Why'd you think that?” Squalo asked.

“Because Boss reading Hellsing is the most believable,” Mammon said, and he made an illusion.

Xanxus wondered if it was okay for him to kill them and replace them with six new Gola Moscas.

“Shut up, trash,” he barked, throwing an empty bottle at Squalo.

Squalo whipped around and shouted, “VOI! We were just being polite.”

“My life ain't a spectator sport,” Xanxus snarled, slamming the office door behind him.

“Hey...” Lussuria looked at others and whispered, “Don't you think the boss has been more open now that he's met Kanna?”

“Yeah,” Squalo agreed. “I only get two bottles and three glasses a day thrown at my head now.”

That made everyone else wonder just how high the number usually was.

* * *

Xanxus was happy. The sort of happy that developed when he had been ten and his brothers had invited him to play with them. The sort of happy that happened when he finally understood that no one in Vongola would scorn his Flames as witchcraft. The sort of happy where he knew that he was going to rise to great heights. The sort of happy that told him he was the greatest, and completely infallible.

And whenever Xanxus was happy, it just meant more pain.

In the same year that Tsuna graduated junior high school, Kanna sent out the invites for their wedding.

“I'm seventeen,” she told Xanxus as she wrote out the guest list. Xanxus sat idly opposite her. “And I don't know how I'll live for, so I'd better do it now.”  
Xanxus was pleased that she stopped talking of dying; her optimism, however slight, suited her (But everything suited her, anyway).

When she was done he pulled the sheet closer to himself. “Tsuna?” Xanxus glared. “The fuck? I don't want trash at our wedding.”

Kanna rolled her eyes. “We're inviting Nana.”

“So?”

“And I did tutor him when he was thirteen,” she pointed out. “He's a good friend of mine.”

“I thought he didn't have friends.”

“Of course he does. He has plenty.”

“Huh.” Xanxus slid it over to her again. “But are you sure you want Varia there?”

“They've done a lot,” Kanna said defensively. Lussuria was healing her once a month, and Squalo was helping her with schoolwork. Thanks to the efforts of Varia (even Bel helped), Kanna was now third in her year.

“Suppose,” Xanxus said reluctantly. “But you're putting a lot of volatile characters together. You might start fights.”

Kanna smiled at him. “That's why you're bringing your X-Guns.”

And Xanxus groaned internally, thankful that Timoteo had volunteered to foot the bill.

* * *

“Xanxus,” Nana beamed, “You're inviting us?”

Xanxus was standing awkwardly in front of her, wondering what this strange emotion was. “Yes,” he said.

“Isn't this great, Tsu-kun?” She gushed, showing him the invite.

“Y-Yeah,” Tsuna said, holding his own envelope.

“Is it okay to bring my husband?” Nana asked. “You haven't met, have you?”

“We have,” Xanxus said smoothly, catching the pointed look from Tsuna. “Our company has hired him before.”

“Oh, really?” Nana was still beaming, and all this happiness made the strange emotion spike. He studied Nana for a moment, then looked at Tsuna with Reborn.

“Ah,” he realised, “I'm feeling...embarrassment?”

Tsuna, Reborn and Nana all gaped at him. “You mean you don't _know?_ ” Tsuna exclaimed.

“I never do anything to warrant such a feeling,” Xanxus said arrogantly. “It's a difference between you and me.”

Tsuna didn't know what to make of this, so he kept quiet.

“And, trash,” Xanxus growled, grabbing Tsuna when Nana turned away, “Tell your guardians to fuckin' behave. I'll be doing the same, but if any of yours start a fight that upsets Kanna, I'm going to _fucking blow you away,_ got it?”

“Y-Yes...” And Tsuna took this death threat with utmost seriousness.

 


	15. Chapter 15

“The boss, married,” Levi mused aloud. “I would be against it, but Kanna's charming. It'll be nice to have a female touch.”

“What about me, hm?” Lussuria asked, offended. “I'm plenty feminine.”

“You aren't attractive to us,” Levi pointed out.

“VOI! Hurry up with organising the decorations, trash,” Squalo demanded.

“Squ-chan, you'll get wrinkles if you don't calm down-”

“We'll be dead if the shitty boss finds out we've not done the work, so get to it.”

* * *

The wedding went perfectly, and it was yet another warning Xanxus should've known about.

Nothing ever went _perfectly_ for him – so why now? He didn't care to ponder it, constantly admiring Kanna In her dress, the way she smiled at the guests and calmed the crowds. Not a single fight broke out, something which was probably prevented by the fact Xanxus had issued death threats to Varia if any did. The result was that Varia had spent half the ceremony breaking up the fights (a sight no one ever thought they'd see).

“Congratulations,” Nana said to Xanxus, smiling. “I'm so happy for you.”

Xanxus tilted his head slightly. “Thank you.” His eyes slid over to Iemitsu. “Are you enjoying the wedding?”

“Of course,” Nana gushed. “I love weddings. The décor is wonderful.”

“It was all Kanna's choice,” Xanxus said, unusually mild. It just meant he was going to fuck Kanna really hard that night, but for now he could contain it. “She has good taste. Although the whiskey is my idea.”

Nana was still chatting away when Tsuna came over. “Uh, congrats,” he barely managed to get out, and Xanxus nodded curtly in reply. He looked over at Kanna, then swore viciously, causing Nana to gasp and glare reproachfully at the groom, who chose to ignore it.

“Ah,” Timoteo said as Xanxus approached. “I've met your darling bride.” _Why didn't you introduce us before?_

Xanxus gritted his teeth, determined not to make a scene. “Old man.”

Kanna gazed at him, worried. “Xanxus?”

Xanxus sucked in a breath, then blew out. This whole self-control thing was harder than he thought, and for once he was thankful Squalo had insisted he give up his X-Guns for this day. “Nice of you to come.” _Now you can leave, trash._

“I wouldn't miss my son's wedding,” Timoteo smiled sadly, and Xanxus was reminded of how Enrico never got to marry his fiance, or how Massimo had never got to be a father with the small cottage like he wanted, or how Frederico never had a steady relationship but did have several flings-

“I'm not your son,” Xanxus said bluntly, cruelly, loving the way he flinched at his 'son's' words.

“Xanxus, don't,” Kanna started, but Xanxus ignored her. “You shouldn't've bothered. I didn't even invite you.”

“I did,” Kanna interjected, grabbing his arm. “Xanxus, don't make a scene-”

Xanxus leaned close to the Ninth, determined to hurt him. “Leave, before I decide to kill you.”

He turned and walked away, hearing his wife apologising and then moving swiftly to catch up. When he felt her hand in his, he felt joy rise in him. He should've known.

* * *

They spent a year in marital bliss. Kanna stayed in Varia Headquarters most of the time, helping out where she could and accepting Lussuria's healing. Even Bel tolerated her existence.

“Voi,” Squalo interjected whenever Kanna and Xanxus weren't around, “She's mellowed him.”

“Shishishi, the prince doesn't dislike this side of him.”

“Who would've thought. The shitty boss domesticated.”

“I'm jealous,” Levi scowled. “But I also like her, so I'm confused.”

“She's a good boss's wife,” Lussuria sang. “And Xanxus even accepts meals on the first try. And he only throws a glass a day.”

“Muu, it's good for the budget.”

“Voi, if only we thought of this sooner. Our lives could've been much easier.”

* * *

“You should grow out your hair,” Kanna said, running a hand through his hair. Xanxus smiled sleepily at her, grabbing her hand.

“Would you prefer it?” He asked lazily.

“Yes.”

“Ha. Then I will.” Xanxus wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close., inhaling.

“Xanxus...” Kanna said cautiously.

“Yes?”

“I...want a child...”

Frowning, Xanxus sat up. “You're seventeen,” he pointed out. “Are you sure?”

Kanna sighed. “But I don't know when I'll die. So shouldn't I now?”

Xanxus ran a hand through his hair, wondering if it was okay for him to panic. “Okay then,” he said resignedly. “I'll get Lussuria to baby-sit.”

And Kanna giggled. "You aren't going to?"

"Of course not. Can you, in all seriousness, see me with a baby in my arms? Fuck, I might kill the damn thing."

"You could always try." Kanna was still laughing at the mental image when they got up for breakfast. 

* * *

The ice was closing in on him, and Tsuna was there, his orange eyes boring into Xanxus's red. _“I'm the Decimo,”_ he whispered. _“I am. You're just some mongrel.”_

“No,” Xanxus whimpered as the ice caged his hands. “Please, I don't want to go back. Please...”

“ _Everyone knows mixed blood is inferior,”_ Tsuna smirked. _“My mother's just tolerating your existence out of pity. But you shouldn't have been born.”_

The ice was climbing up his arms, and Xanxus desperately flexed his arms, trying his hardest to break free-

And he was enveloped in warmth, and Xanxus sank into the touch. “It's okay,” Kanna murmured, stroking his hair.

“What was your nightmare about?” Kanna asked the next morning.

Xanxus didn't respond right away. But when he looked at Kanna, it all came pouring out.

By the time he was done, he had his head in his hands, thinking that that was it, she would leave him.

“Who said mixed breeds were inferior?”

Xanxus jolted forwards, surprised. “Huh?”

Kann flushed, pulling the blankets closer. “W-well, it's stupid, you know? Blood shouldn't decide eveything.”

Xanxus blinked at her. Kanna hurried on: “There's the liger, and the geep-”

“Liger, huh?” Xanxus smirked. “Funny you should say that.” And when he laughed, Kanna had no idea what was so amusing until hours later, when Squalo had to explain the box weapons and the future they had seen.

* * *

She was so steady. Kanna was always there, whenever he needed her, and he tried to do the same. When he returned from a mission, she always asked how they went and listened patiently to his complaints. Sometimes they argued, but Xanxus never raised a hand against her; Kanna always forgave him, and Xanxus wondered why. She was an angel.

She was so beautiful. Everything about her was elegant, refined, and pure – no matter how many times Xanxus marked her skin, or how many times he bit at her skin, Kanna's skin remained smooth, and the curves in her body just right, the way her hair fell, and the way her eyes lit up – Xanxus fell for her every morning and every night.

She was perfect. She was the only person in this world that could command Xanxus, the only person he would not call 'trash' or 'scum'. She was the only person who could tame him.

He should've known. Nothing good ever happened to a man like Xanxus.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Who said mixed breeds were inferior?”  
> That line Kanna said was from, you guessed it, that bit where Xanxus is all "who said mixed breeds were inferior?" To Rasiel in that bit...Uh...Episode 139? 140? Something like that.


	16. Chapter 16

Kanna was pregnant, and it was a boy. Thank god, because Xanxus reckoned it was probably to raise a boy than a girl (He knew shit all about _girls,_ for Chrissakes). “What do you want to name him?” He asked Kanna.

“Uh,” Kanna blinked at him. “What do you want?”

“Uh,” Xanxus blinked right back. “I thought I'd leave it to you?”

Kanna sighed. “Then we'll think about it.”

* * *

 

Everything ends at some point, and sometimes there's a warning before it all turns to shit. This time, however, there was none.

* * *

Months later, and Kanna didn't wake up. She lay perfectly still, barely breathing, unresponding, empty, and oh god please don't be dead what about the baby it's due soon-

Xanxus practically flew out of the bedroom, pounding on Lussuria's door. He splintered the wood, his Flames whipping up inside of him. When the okama opened the door, Xanxus hauled him back to his room. “Boss?” Lussuria called out. “What's wrong?”

Xanxus didn't, couldn't, respond and oh god this was bad would she live?

“VOI! What's all the noise about?” Squalo was following them, white hair flying.

Xanxus threw Lussuria in the room. “Heal her,” he said desperately. “Lussuria, save her, I don't care about the damn child, just save _her-”_

“Boss, calm down,” Squalo tried telling Xanxus as Lussuria bent over Kanna, his Flames flickering between his fingers. “It'll work out.”Squalo forced his calming Rain Flames on Xanxus, intent on helping both of them.

Their happiness had to be preserved, for the sake of Xanxus.

* * *

They were in the hospital, and Kanna was unconscious as she went into labour. Xanxus was waiting, twirling his X-Guns around his finger, praying to whatever god existed that she would live.

“I heard about what happened,” Tsuna said from beside him, and Xanxus jumped in shock, pointing his gun at the brat. When he realised who it was, he reholstered the X-Gun and sat back down, leg twitching.

“Get out,” Xanxus muttered half-heartedly. “Leave me alone.”

“I can't,” Tsuna replied weakly. “You may be an arsehole, but this is hurting you the most.”

Xanxus didn't reply, biting on his nail. He kept at it, eventually drawing blood. The metallic taste flooded his tongue, but he kept at it-

He smeared the blood around his mouth, his teeth turning red, the blood running down his hand-

He couldn't stop-

Not when his wife was there, metres away, dying, for fuck's sake, and he couldn't do anything. He was _the_ Xanxus and he was useless.

He jolted upwards, then sat back down, yanking out the feathers in his hair and dropping them on the ground.

“Xanxus?” He heard Nana say, but he didn't comprehend the words, didn't want kindness-

“Enrico,” he muttered, “Massimo, Frederico, please help, please.” He wrung his hands together, twisting them out of shape. “Please, you said you would,” and his voice cracked but he had to continue praying, couldn't stop, oh god please live Kanna I love you.

“Leave Xanxus alone,” he heard Squalo snap, but Xanxus didn't even bother looking up, couldn't bear to see him, didn't register that Squalo called him X _anxus_ and not shitty boss.

Eyes wide, mind blank, feeling empty, he was notified of the birth. It was successful.

He was looking down on himself from above, watching dispassionately as he entered the room, seeing Kanna's body so still and lifeless-

Ryohei and Lussuria were there, channeling sun flames into Kanna. Xanxus stared down at her, barely paying attention as the child was offered to him like a sacrifice.

“Xanxus,” Nana murmured, and her touch made Xanxus move. He turned slowly, accepting the baby, in that moment feeling joy even though he shouldn't because Kanna-

Xanxus suppressed his sobs, hid his emotions, locked them away so no one could see them. He sat down, gazing down at the baby. Unable to look at Kanna, he hunched over, praying and begging fate to save her while wondering how to look after the baby.

He flicked a look at Nana. “Can you...” His voice was ragged, and he looked away, swallowing.

“What is it?” A hand on his shoulder, and it was so warm.

Xanxus swallowed again, trying to stay calm. For the baby, who was sleeping peacefully (was that normal?).

He tried again. “Contact Dr Shamal. Tsuna will know.”

Nana hesitated, then nodded, moving away and the place where her hand had been turned cold. It hurt. Everywhere hurt.

“Boss,” Lussuria said tiredly. He had been at it for a while now, and Xanxus looked at him blankly. “I'm sorry, I don't know how long I can do this for...”

Xanxus felt a ripple of panic, then stood, moving smoothly to the door. He couldn't be rough, no violence, control, that was it, the baby must be protected.

“Squalo,” he said, and the swordsman appeared next to him.

“Voi, what is it?” He glanced at the baby, cleverly disguising his astonishment, but his Sky saw all and for once chose to ignore it.

“Get the Sun attributes. Now.”

Squalo knew what he meant, and obeyed.

* * *

Dr Shamal's arrival was greeted with vicious warnings from Varia to not be a fucking pervert. The Sun attribute members of Varia also arrived and relieved Ryohei and Lussuria of their duties temporarily.

“I've heard about this,” Shamal said seriously, studying the charts. It was all medical garbage to Xanxus, but Enrico would've understood.

Shamal then inspected Kanna, Xanxus eyeing him warily. Nana was looking after the baby, seeing the instability in Xanxus.

Shamal was frowning, troubled. He glanced at Xanxus as though considering something, then sighed heavily.

“What, trash?”

“She'll be dead within the year,” Shamal said bluntly, deciding to get this over with quickly. “It's unlikely she'll live longer, and even less likely she'll wake.”

Xanxus curled in on himself, clutching his hair. Then, steadying himself mentally, looked at Shamal and asked, “Is there no way to save her?”  
Shamal scratched his chin, worry creasing his brow. “There's one way...but no guarantee it'll work.”

And Xanxus asked what that was, ready to die for Kanna.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Xanxus and Lussuria had not emerged for hours, so when Squalo peeked in, he half-expected Xanxus to be sleeping.

What he saw was his boss's Sky Flames filling the room, funneling into Lussuria, who in turn used the energy to try and heal Kanna. Squalo blinked for a moment, then knew that this was proof of Xanxus's loyalty to Kanna. He had never wasted Flames like this before, and yet-

Xanxus stumbled, catching himself on the edge of the bed, sweat pouring down his face. He took one look at Kanna, steadying himself, then the warmth of the Sky Flames flared up again.

“Squ-chan,” Lussuria wheezed. Xanxus glanced at him, eyes glazed, and that was when Squalo decided to intervene.

“Xanxus,” Squalo said, “let the other Suns in to help.”

Xanxus shook his head. “How's the baby?”

_Xanxus as a father is fucking weird,_ Squalo thought, irritated. “He's fine. What's his name? The doctors have been asking.”

Xanxus seemed unfocused for a second, the struggle on his face. “We decided on Massimo Kaito,” he said.

Squalo nodded. “Do you mind if I fill out the birth certificate?”

“Go ahead,” Xanxus said, somewhat absently.

“Xanxus,” Nana said, brushing past Squalo on his way out, “What's happening?” She seemed to ignore the flames, perhaps deciding she could find out later. She placed her hand on Xanxus's shoulder, and Xanxus sagged under her touch.

“I can't leave yet,” he mumbled. “Have to...save her...” He stumbled again, Nana just managing to catch her.

“Boss,” Lussuria said worriedly. “Let Tsuna deal with this for a little while, okay?”

Xanxus shook his head violently.

“I can't do this for much longer,” Lussuria insisted. “If we transition now it'll go much smoother, boss.”

Xanxus was gasping for breath. “I won't leave her side.”

“No one is saying you have to,” Lussuria said, gently now.

“...Fine. Fetch the trash.”

* * *

Xanxus was sleeping, Nana cradling the baby beside him. His hand was holding Kanna's like a lifeline, but it wasn't enough.

She flat-lined.

* * *

Ryohei managed to revive her.

* * *

She flat-lined again.

* * *

Lussuria saved her. And all throughout, Xanxus thought he himself would die as well.

* * *

**Two months later**

 

“Xanxus,” Kanna said weakly, leaning against the doorframe. Xanxus stood and helped her to sit. “Thank you,” she said gratefully, and Xanxus looked away. He put the baby in her arms again, watching her look down and loving the way her face lit up, and the way she smiled.

“I have to leave for a mission soon,” Xanxus said.

Kanna looked back at him. “Okay then. For how long?”

“A few days.”

“To where?”

“Japan,” he said laconically.

“Oh? Can you drop a gift off with my parents?”

Xanxus nodded. Kanna was still too weak to travel, but her strength was returning. “I can organise them to come visit. It's been a month since they last saw you, right?”

“Yes. And can you drop off a birthday gift for Tsuna as well? It's his sixteenth birthday.”

Xanxus scowled. “Fine,” he said reluctantly. “I'll do it.”

* * *

After the mission Xanxus stopped by the Sawada residence. Nana greeted him with a smile and a bunch of questions about how Massimo was doing, which Xanxus answered obligingly. She had helped out a lot.

“Kanna has a gift for Tsuna,” Xanxus said awkwardly, holding up the bag.

“Oh, he's upstairs,” Nana said, gesturing.

Xanxus climbed the stairs, still feeling acutely uncomfortable. He didn't want to see the shitty brat, but Kanna had a hold over him like no one else.

He knocked on the door. “Go away,” Tsuna's voice called out.

Xanxus sighed, wondering if Reborn was in there. Probably not, he had heard the hit man was on an assignment for the bastard Timoteo. He shoved open the door, and was greeted with the sight of Tsuna curled by his bed, crying.

The Decimo jerked upwards and then turned away. “What do you want?”

Xanxus entered and shut the door behind him, plonking the gift in front of him. “From Kanna. Why the fuck are you crying?” He asked out of a sense of duty – he had helped save Kanna, after all.

“...No reason,” Tsuna lied, and Xanxus's intuition, while not Vongola quality, told him otherwise.

“Trash,” he warned, “Don't fucking lie to me.”

Tsuna wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. “I'm serious,” he insisted. “It's nothing that concerns you.”

Xanxus growled at him, and Tsuna cowered.

“I heard a rumour that you were going out with that chick,” Xanxus said, sitting on his bed. “Kyoko.”

Tsuna flinched at the name.

“She's good, by Namimori standards,” Xanxus commented, taking a sadistic glee from Tsuna's pain. “Of course, she's not in Kanna's league. Not even a little. No one is.”

Tsuna giggled at that; hearing the obvious love Xanxus had for Kanna was strange, to say the least.

“So, what did she do?” Xanxus looked lazily at Tsuna, impressed with himself. He was being so fucking nice, it was killing him.

Tsuna looked down at his hands. “Uh, well...”

“Tell me, scum.”

“She...I found her with...another...man.”

“A man? Not a boy?”

“No.”

Xanxus was silent for a moment, then laughed, and kept laughing even when Tsuna flushed and put his head in his hands. “Just kill the trash,” he said in between chuckles, meaning both. Tsuna interpreted it differently.

“I can't kill him,” he protested. “That's not fair.”

Xanxus sighed, running a hand through his hair. Why did Kanna care about this shit?

“Look,” he said finally, “Do what you want. But don't get all worked up over this bitch, trash. You're the fucking Decimo, so man up and fucking act like it, scum.” He stood and walked to the door. Placing his hand on the doorknob, he turned and added, “After all, you managed to get me under your command, however tentative it is.”

And with Tsuna gaping after him, Xanxus strolled straight out, feeling pleased with himself and looking forward to seeing Kanna again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major change in tone. The fuck am I doing.
> 
> And I dunno what Xanxus would call his child? I decided on Massimo because in this he was the most interactive (I think? I'm forgetting).
> 
> And damn Xanxus, stop being so OOC. You're so nice~ the feels nearly killed me when I was writing this, and I'm happy with the second half of this chapter. I hope you are too~


	18. Chapter 18

When their son turned one, Kanna wanted another child, and that caused another argument. The first had nearly killed her, she had been so close to death – Xanxus couldn't risk it. Kanna said that her nearing death was more reason to have another child. But Kanna had been so healthy, and to everyone's astonishment Kanna was expected to live into her thirties, maybe even longer. Xanxus was the only who wasn't shocked; Kanna was strong. She would survive the apocalypse out of sheer spite, Xanxus knew.

But even so, despite this belief, Xanxus still said no to another child. Kanna wore him down. He lasted three days, and Kanna got her way.

The next child was a girl. Kanna joked about how there was one for her and one for him, and Xanxus wondered how many boys he'd have to chase off.

Lussuria was ridiculously happy, decorating yet another room and buying baby clothes in bulkloads. Mammon complained to Squalo, who in turn mentioned this to Xanxus.

Xanxus laughed. “The fuck? It's not his kid.”

“Exactly. So make him stop breaking Varia's budget.”

Xanxus only shrugged, throwing a rock at Squalo. Kanna had convinced him not to waste expensive whiskey (which Mammon greatly approved of).

* * *

There were no complications, and Xanxus breathed a sigh of relief. When he looked down at his daughter, he felt the same impossible amount of joy as when he had held his son. Dammit, he was weak. He was losing the self he had so carefully cultivated, so carefully perfected.

“Keiko,” Xanxus said, then couldn't say any more. He handed the child back.

“Voi,” Squalo said evenly, poking his head around the door. “The Ninth wants to talk to you.”

Xanxus jerked around, then, after Kanna's nod, he left the room quietly.

“What about, trash?”

Squalo only handed over the phone. Xanxus stared at it, then snarled, “I don't want to hear a single fucking word that shitty old man has to say.”

Squalo blew out violently. “But he's the boss. You have to.”

Xanxus glared at Squalo, but unable to dispute his logic, he snatched the phone.

“What.”

“Xanxus,” Timoteo said, and his voice disgusted Xanxus. “How is your family?”

“None of your fucking business,” Xanxus snarled. It was a good thing this was a phone call, Xanxus thought. If Timoteo had showed his face, Xanxus would have shot him.

“Is your son healthy?”

Timoteo wanted grandchildren, Xanxus reckoned. He wanted to see his kids. “He's my son. Of course he is.”

“...That's good. So there were no complications?”

“No.” And Xanxus had to pat himself on the back for having just said three sentences without swearing at him.

“How is the rest of Varia?”

“Alive.” Now four.

“Have you seen Tsuna recently?”

“I saw him a month ago.” Five. Kanna had wanted to visit again, and Xanxus caught up with Nana. The shitty brat wasn't quite over that bitch – Kyoko – yet, but judging by the gratitude the seventeen year old had cast his way, he was on the mend.

“How is he?”

“Do you think I care?” Six. Although his tone was worsening. “I don't give a shit about the shitty brat.” Oops. His streak was broken. “Is there a point to this fucking call?”

Timoteo sighed down the line. “I just want to see my grandchildren.”

“I'm not your son,” Xanxus sneered, ignoring the fact he was legally adopted.

“Please,” Timoteo pleaded.

Xanxus only hung up.

“Voi, what did he want?” Squalo asked.

Xanxus ignored him, walking past.

“Boss,” Levi said, standing up. The rest of Varia were also there, and Xanxus eyed each of them in turn.

“Why are you trash here?”

“To help you if necessary, of course,” Lussuria said, fluttering his hand. Xanxus looked at him, then said, “I don't owe you anything.”

“Of course not,” Luss cooed. “I did it all from the kindness of my heart.”

Squalo rolled his eyes, and Bel laughed.

* * *

Kanna was going to town, Lussuria insisting on going with her. Kanna smiled at the okama, and Xanxus only allowed it because he knew Lussuria wasn't interested in girls.

“Don't you dare touch Kanna,” Xanxus warned Lussuria anyway.

Lussuria stared at him. “Why would I? Boss, you _know_ I like men. I'm more likely to hit on you.”

“You've done that,” Xanxus growled. “You flirted with me for a year before I destroyed the entire east wing.”

“See?”

“But Kanna's beautiful enough to make even you like girls,” Xanxus said, shaking his head. “And that's why I'm warning you.”

“Such loving compassion,” Lussuria said.

Kanna smiled at Xanxus, saying, “I'll try not to spoil Enrico and Keiko too much.”

“Go ahead and spoil them,” Xanxus said awkwardly, unable to say more. Kanna picked up on his meaning, and her smile broadened.

That image of Kanna, framed by the sunlight, was an image Xanxus carried with him for the rest of his life.

* * *

“Boss, I'm so sorry,” Lussuria babbled, on his knees in front of Xanxus. “I'm so, so sorry.”

Xanxus could only look blankly at Lussuria, unable to understand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nearing the end of this, I think - I have maybe one or two chapters? But I was considering writing some snippets in relation to Kanna/Xanxus - fluff, smut, or something.


	19. Chapter 19

Xanxus had to not cry. Never, not yet, don't let Kanna see-

He had to be strong, that was what the world wanted to see. He had live up to expectations, and yet they comflicted with the turmoil inside of him.

A car crash. That was what had happened. Not the disease, not anything like that, a car came out of nowhere and hit Kanna. Lussuria managed to save Enrico, but not Kanna. And he regretted it – if he had moved a little faster, or was a little stronger...

As it stood, Lussuria was willing to take whatever punishment Xanxus saw fit. Any other person, any other time, and maybe Xanxus would have raged and swore and turned to violence. Instead, he sat outside the room with dull eyes, looking completely empty.

“Boss,” Squalo said, unusually quiet. He held out a cup of coffee, which Xanxus mindlessly drained and threw across the room.

Then the doctor came out.

* * *

“I'm sorry,” Kanna wheezed, and Xanxus panicked. Lussuria was there, again funnelling Sun Flames through her, and Xanxus thrust his Sky Flames into him, trying so hard to save her-

Lussuria was crying, and Kanna reached up to wipe away the tears.

“Xanxus, cry for me,” Kanna whispered. “At my funeral...please.”

Xanxus fell onto his knees, clutching her hand. “No, you're not dying.”

“I can feel it,” Kanna denied. “I am.” And she looked so weak, so broken, but Xanxus _had to believe-_

“Thank you, for our children...”

“No, no, no, you aren't-”

“In the top drawer...oak...” Kanna was crying as well, smiling through her tears. She was using all her strength, Xanxus knew, and begged her to save it, to survive.

“I can't live without you.”

“Live...for-children.” Kanna gave one last smile, so full of life, so bright, so beautiful. “I love you, Xanxus, and thank you-for giving...me, life.” She looked so alive then, that when she flatlined, it seemed surreal.

“No,” Xanxus yelled, and Lussuria's Flames flared, filling the room.

But Kanna never woke again.

Xanxus screamed wordlessly, burning his throat. He didn't hear his subordinates, he didn't feel the hands that guided him away, he didn't see anything. All he knew was that Kanna was dead and he wanted to kill.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, this was emotional. I didn't do this justice, I know.
> 
> The reason why this chapter is so short is because I feel like I shouldn't continue, and I should start a new part. I don't want to ruin this...


	20. Chapter 20

Xanxus wanted to kill the man who had been driving. His wife was dead, his children would grow up without knowing their mother, and _why did it hurt so much-_

Varia restrained Xanxus, accepting the abuse he hurled at them, taking in stride his destructive grief. They understood. They didn't leave him.

When Tsuna found out, he began to cry. Mostly for Kanna, but also a small part for the pain Xanxus must be feeling.

* * *

The funeral was quiet, and Xanxus kept his head down, wondering if he could somehow leave. He couldn't look at the altar, couldn't, wouldn't-

“Boss,” Squalo said, voice low. “It's time.”

Xanxus looked up, eyes empty. He followed, trying his hardest not to break. He had to be strong, but Kanna had told him to cry at his funeral, so he had to-

Vaguely he registered the presence of Sawada Nana, dressed in black. She placed a hand on his shoulder, and Xanxus didn't have the energy to brush it off. Hi limbs felt dead and heavy, and when he reached the place where the coffin was lowered, his shoulders were dragged down.

Kaito and Keiko were there, somewhere, Xanxus knew, but didn't care. Kanna was dead, and how why _why-_

He felt something warm on his face. He brushed at his cheeks, shocked he was crying. He scrubbed at his face, not wanting anyone to see-

But Varia had seen, and pretended it hadn't happened. Nana passed him a tissue, and Xanxus tried to stick back together the pieces of his heart, so he could look after his children.He needed superglue, maybe.

He didn't know he had said that aloud until Squalo said, “Have you finally lost your mind?”

Xanxus stopped, dropped the tissue, then glared. “The fuck? Can't a guy grieve in peace?”

Squalo glared back. “Not when he's making a mess at the damn funeral.”

Both of them ignored the pointed looks from the other guests, Keiko looking away like she couldn't stand the sight of them.

But with Squalo's words, Xanxus managed to pull himself together enough to make his face neutral. He really did have a reliable second-in-command.

* * *

Xanxus plunged his days into his children, his heirs, and at night he curled into a ball, missing the familiar warmth of her beside him. He spent the day watching over his children, wondering if they would be strong, and at night he drifted through the halls, searching for his dead wife.

A week after the funeral he sat down at his desk, staring blankly at the paperwork. Squalo was watching him out of the corner of his eye, waiting for him to either leave it or pick up his pen. For what seemed like an age, Xanxus did neither.

“Which has priority?” Xanxus asked, somewhat dazedly.

“Furthest left,” Squalo replied, uneasy since Xanxus hadn't insulted him.

Xanxus picked up the pen, and stared at it like he forgot how to use it. It was so out of character that Squalo just wanted to slam a bottle of tequila in front of him and hand him a funnel. He wanted his boss back - and yet, he liked the domesticated side of him.

But Kanna was dead, and Squalo did miss her presence in headquarters. Xanxus was grieving, he understood that, but...

Xanxus held the pen correctly, then did the paperwork aimlessly. As usual, it was all correct - Xanxus was silent throughout it all. Squalo knew that most of the paperwork was from Bel's rampages, Mammon's negligence and greed, Levi's clumsiness, and by this point he should be cursing.

His silence meant he was broken. And it was a hundred times worse than when Xanxus had 'lost' Decima. Worse than when he emerged from the ice, worse than when he had been engulfed in rage and disgust at Tsuna.

And Squalo had to wonder if Xanxus would ever recover. The pain wouldn't fade, but could Xanxus adjust?

* * *

### Two years later

A three year old Enrico was clinging to Xanxus's leg as a twenty-year-old Tsuna sat opposite the Varia Boss, glancing at Enrico nervously.

"Xanxus," Tsuna said cautiously. "Should you be bringing your son to a mafia meeting?"

Xanxus, out of habit, patted a pocket of his jacket. A crinkle of paper, Tsuna noted. He had been doing that since sooner after Kanna had died; it probably had a connection. "Trash. I can do what I like."

Enrico stuck out his tongue at Tsuna, and Xanxus laughed. "Baby trash is learning well."

"Where's your daughter?" Tsuna asked curiously.

"Playing with Lussuria. Now, tell me what you want, scum."

Tsuna cleared his throat. He was Decimo now, after Timoteo had passed the mantle on to him, and Tsuna still didn't know how to do this whole mafia-boss thing. Even Reborn was behaving differently. Tsuna didn't have the grades for university - hell, he was thankful he managed to pass high school. So why wasn't Reborn treating him the same? He was still Dame-Tsuna, after all.

"There's a family I need taken care of, and Varia are the ones for it." Tsuna slid a folder across the desk, and Xanxus eyed it under his long hair.

"How much are you going to pay us?"

Tsuna named the amount, and Xanxus flipped open the folder. "Huh. Trash, you have surprisingly good intelligence." Xanxus stood, Enrico still clinging to his leg. "Just this once, scum."

Tsuna nodded quickly. There was only so much Varia he could take; it was always a hassle when they came over. "Of course."

Xanxus picked up the folder, then marched out, Enrico struggling to keep up. Tsuna noted how he slowed at the door, waiting for his son to catch up before leaving again.

Enrico turned at the door, studying him with intelligent eyes. Tsuna shuddered at his red eyes.

"Dame-Tsuna," Enrico said, before leaving again. Dumbfounded, he only gaped as Xanxus's laughter could be heard, echoing down the hall.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This went from angst to fluff because this was getting emotionally draining. I think I might have an interlude about Kanna - and maybe some smut between Xanxus and Kanna?
> 
> And ideas on what Xanxus's daughter should be called?
> 
> And how smart are three year olds, anyway? How far can they walk? And talk? AND JUST-?! Ah well, they have super smart and capable children. If this goes well I might end up writing a spin-off XD (which WON'T be a sad story, probably)


	21. Chapter 21

****When Enrico was five and Masako, Xanxus's and Kanna's daughter, was four, Tsuna married Haru Miura. Xanxus received an invitation, and glared at it.

“Daddy?”

“What, trash?”

“Why are you angry?” Enrico stared up at Xanxus, more curious than anything else. Xanxus waggle d the invite at his son, saying, “The shitty little boss invited me to his wedding.”

Enrico jumped up, trying to take it. Xanxus obliged and handed it to him, amused at the intent concentration on Enrico's face. “Can we go?”

“Do you want to?” Xanxus asked.

“Yes,” Enrico nodded. “Uncle Tsuna always give us candy.”

Xanxus didn't know if he could make it through an entire wedding without killing him, but the hope on Enrico's face made him hesitate. Masako was behind him, her wild black hair covering her eyes. She brushed it aside, also watching their father.

“If Lussuria agrees to take you,” he conceded, and his children cheered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Masako is named after Masako Katsura. Google her (Kanna was a fan)
> 
> I updated a short chapter because I thought I should - I'm going to Japan! On vacation! From the 12 to the 27th, so I just thought I'd publish what I have.
> 
> (Tumblr: otaku-alert.tumblr.com , if you want to see photos?)


	22. Chapter 22

Lussuria had somehow wangled Xanxus's presence too, and they (Varia, plus the children) wound up on a plane to fuckin' Japan to see some shitty kid's wedding.

_Something could go wrong,_ Xanxus thought, knowing he was probably jinxing it but damn, he had shit luck. Anything could happen.

“Father,” Enrico said, crawling up onto his seat. He clung to the armrest, perched on the seat, afraid to touch Xanxus. Xanxus, annoyed, picked him up and plopped him in his lap.

“What?”

Enrico looked shy as he asked, “Can I have feather?” He pointed at one.

The whole Varia held its breath, even Masako turning to watch curiously. Xanxus looked at his son, then said, “which one?”

Enrico beamed, then tugged on one. “This one.”

Xanxus handed it to him after some searching, hwlping him put it in his own hair. Masako waddled up to him, arms out-stretched, face solemn. Damn if she didn't look like Kanna, Xanxus reflected fondly, careful not to show it. Xanxus lifted her with one hand to join her brother.

“Do you want one?” He asked uneasily. Why were his children so fond of him?

Masako nodded, then babbled something about animals and grabbed the animal tail in his hair. Xanxus gave it to her, and Enrico complained about the unfairness, so Xanxus gave him another feather as Masako played with the tail.

“Aw, so cute,” Lussuria gushed, taking a photo.

“Trash,” Xanxus said violently, startling his children, “The hell are you doing?”

“For the in-laws,” Lussuria sang, taking another.

Xanxus snorted. “Who cares?”

“Is daddy angry?” Masako asked Enrico. Enrico nodded and patted her head.

Xanxus sighed and leaned back, deciding to ignore the other trash and focus on his children.

* * *

Xanxus didn't care about the brat's wedding. His hand drifted to the letter in his pocket yet again as he allowed himself to think of other things, like steak and improving his guns and-

“Father, will I wear a dress like that?” Masako blurted out just as Tsuna kissed his bride, both blushing. How many times had that happened? Xanxus could have sworn that the girl – Haru? Or something – would explode into little pieces with happiness.

Xanxus looked at her. “If you want.”

Masako pouted. “I want to _now.”_

“You can't.”

“Why not?”

“Because...” Xanxus hesitated. “Because you're too young.”

“So I can in the future?”

“Yeah.”

“And – will I look as pretty as her?” Masako pointed, then jumped away from Xanxus, running towards the bride. Xanxus scowled, then followed, easily catching up in long strides. He heard Lussuria say something to Enrico, probably to keep him from following.

“Masako,” Xanxus said, grabbing her. “Don't-”

“Xanxus,” Tsuna said from behind him, and somehow Haru had gone around them too and was with Tsuna now, beaming at everything.

“Trash,” he said by impulse.

“Aha. You never change,” Tsuna laughed. “Glad you could make it.” His eyes settled on Masako. “It's nice to see you too, Masako-chan.”

They were speaking Japanese, not Italian. Xanxus had raised them in both, mostly Japanese for Kanna's sake.

Her name made him choke, but he recovered as Masako showed Tsuna the animal tail.

Tsuna glanced at Xanxus, surprised, as he said, “Oh, that's nice. Is it from Xanxus?”

Masako nodded eagerly, smacking Xanxus with a hand. The Varia boss hissed, then felt a tug on his leg. Looking down, he spotted Enrico clinging to his leg in a demand to be lifted.

“I got feathers,” Enrico told Tsuna proudly, shaking out his hair.

“Lussuria. Why-”

“Sorry, boss,” Lussuria said nervously. “He wouldn't sit still.”

Xanxus shifted Masako in his arms, then said awkwardly, “Married, huh?”

Tsuna smiled. “That's what this is about.”

Xanxus shifted again. “Congrats,” he grunted. “Be prepared to be annoyed.”

Tsuna laughed again. What was so amusing? “I suppose you would know, huh.”

* * *

“ _Mother,”_ he said nervously. _“Mother, there's a man-”_

She waved him off dismissively. _“You don't matter. Leave.”_

You don't matter, not it doesn't matter. Why that choice of words? Was it a lie, mother? Did you know from the start I was not his son?

Why?

Pain of cold and pain of ice and pain of fury why did it hurt

_Kanna help_ he called out but no one came

Where was everyone why was it dark his children

his children

He needed to save them but the cold and the blood was stopping him-

* * *

Well. That was a new one, Xanxus thought, sitting up in bed. Scary, and new. He reached out, seeking the warmth of someone who wasn't there any longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is turning into fluff. Fluff? It's supposed to be a tragedy. This was going to end when Kanna died but- he has kids??? I couldn't hurt the precious things, so fluff
> 
> And probably OOC but I'mma dreaming here.
> 
> And I'm changing the title from 'tragedy' to 'melancholy' because I'm fussed and can't make up my mind
> 
> Oh. And updates will be slow (but will continue) because life is catching up to me. Also, I'm finishing up soon I think? But there's probably going to be a spin-off about his children so watch out for that
> 
> *finger guns at you*


	23. Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! The final chapter! with no warning!

That letter Kanna left, Xanxus knew every word. Oh god, he loved her, and he regretted never saying the words as often as he liked.

He regretted a lot of things. And he could never show them – hell, he wasn't weak enough to. He wouldn't dare, anyway, because that would mean revealing weakness.

The door to his office opened, and Xanxus turned to see Masako there, framed by the light trickling in. Xanxus put down his pen and said gruffly, “Yeah?” His paperwork could wait; it wasn't due until next week.

“I can't sleep,” she said quietly, almost curling in on herself as though expecting Xanxus to turn her away. Sure, he was an arsehole, but he wasn't _that_ mean to his own flesh and blood.

“C'mere,” he said, gesturing awkwardly. Dammit, children were difficult. He didn't understand them, not really.

He lifted Masako and sat her on the armrest, resuming work. Since when he became a family man, he didn't know. But he sure as fuck would do a better job than his shitty old man.

* * *

He was wandering, drifting between streets and unable to decide which way to go. Everything was changing around, fluid, melting into the ground and wrapping around his feet, dragging him down into hell.

Or at least, that was what he _preferred._ If that happened, it would be preferable to what he was facing now.

He was facing his adoptive father – that old bastard – and being forced to recognise a _truth._ But the truth hurts, so much. He didn't want to, not really, but there was no choice on the matter.

“ _Mother, do you want some?”_

“ _...No, stay away from me, you demon-”_

“ _...Mother?”_

“ _DEMON-”_

Xanxus rubbed at the space between his eyes, brushing aside long hair. “Suicide, huh.”

Timoteo looked sad. “Yes. I thought you should know.”

“Bullshit.” Xanxus stood. “You knew all along, and yet again, you hid what was real. Fuckin'-” he cut himself off, then muttered, “I don't care, anyway.” And even quieter: “not like I cared about her.” So much wasted effort; if he hadn't tried to keep his mother alive, then maybe he wouldn't have suffered so much as a child.

“ _I mated with a demon, and you were the result.”_

A demon, but what kind? Certainly not the Vongola Ninth, Xanxus snarled to himself, Enrico and Masako following behind him closely, Enrico babbling about how cool the new Varia uniforms looked.

Enrico was ten, Masako nine; and very nearly were they to reach the ''future', but a future unlike the one Xanxus had seen. He hadn't had children, or if he did-

He refused to think of it. Yeah, he wasn't the best father, but he sure as hell wasn't letting them die on him. For as long as he had Flames, he would protect them.

And that was when a certain man came knocking.

* * *

“Voi! A man claiming to be your dad's here.” Squalo looked angry, but at what was unexplained.

“...Timoteo?” Xanxus was confused.

“No. I would've said.” Squalo sighed at the bottles Xanxus left lying around. “I mean, a man actually claiming to have _fathered_ you is here.”

Xanxus slowly drained the glass he was holding, setting it down. “What the fuck?”

“I know,” Squalo agreed.

Xanxus flared up, then swallowed his rage when he saw Enrico peering out from under the desk. “Make the trash go away,” Xanxus said dismissively. The real question was, how had anyone found the Varia headquarters? Or known who he was?

Squalo considered this. “Do you want me to deal with this, boss?”

“Yeah.” Xanxus poured himself another drink, ignoring the patronizing look from Enrico. “Deal with it, shitty shark.”

* * *

Enrico was diagnosed with the same illness as Kanna, and Xanxus had a full ten minutes of panic. This wasn't right, he wanted to tell god, the misfortune was supposed to fall upon _him_ and not his children. Never his children. For now, Masako remained in the clear.

And Xanxus hoped the Sun Flames would be enough to keep Enrico alive, to out live Xanxus. The Varia boss had him trained, so much so that when Enrico was twelve he completely objected to doing another course, to being put under the strain of yet more exercises and drills.

“Dad, I don't want to,” he said defiantly, and Xanxus missed Kanna more than anything as he said, “Do what you want, but you have to train every Sunday.”

The world heard about how _the_ Xanxus had backed down when his son had put his foot down. In this future, with no Millefiore bearing down, and a stable Tsuna ruling Vongola and attempting to reform the mafia, their biggest threat was the small but ambitious families who thought they could take on Vongola.

Xanxus alone was enough to crush them. Tsuna sent him out, telling him kindly that he would watch his children while he was away.

“No, trash,” he said contemptuously. “I don't want them to catch your stupid.” Lame, he knew, but once he had started to say it he had to follow through.

Tsuna smiled softly. “Of couse. I leave it in your hands.”

The fools had attempted to kidnap Enrico, to no avail; the boy's Varia training had kicked in and he had managed to escape with little harm done to himself (his assailants were another matter). But Xanxus was furious, and he allowed the Flames of Wrath to ignite and to lash out against the scum who thought to hurt his blood.

Masako and Enrico were his children. He would be damned if he became a shitty father like his own, and be damned if anyone got their claws into them. He was Xanxus, the man who would have been Decimo, and he would _protect_ his blood, and protect Vongola.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have this little bit with Kanna's last moments which I might tack on the end
> 
> And I feel like Masako and Enrico deserve their own story rip but will I write? I dunno


End file.
